Saturday, December 20, 2014

Hunting dog

Glenn sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in  
the pond. "If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting"

The dog comes back and barks twice. Glenn says "Well, I'm
not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".
Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?"

Glenn says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the       
road. If you want one, you can get one from him".

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the
one his friend Glenn has.


The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in
its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says
"This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him
that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came
back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started
humping his leg.

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell
you there are more f***ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Telephone pole installers


There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and  a team of  two Irish guys.
 
 So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!"

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Irish brothel

Three Irishmen were sitting in the pub window seat watching the front door of the brothel over the road.


The local Methodist pastor appeared, and quickly went inside. "Would you look at that!" said the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"


No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appeared at the door, Knocked, and entered. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continued drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

When they see their own Catholic priest knocks on the door.  "Ah, now dat's sad,"said the third Irishman.

“One of the girls must have died...”

Monday, December 8, 2014

Animal abuse

A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"


"Yeah," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"


"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."


"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully secured with seat belts, and off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."


"Yes, I know," said the blonde, "and I did. They loved it, and we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

Friday, December 5, 2014

Sports talk

Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road.  My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach


"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch."
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver (A Fresno boy)


"I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the  same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect."
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer

"All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy  doing okay. Bring me another beer.'"
- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
 
"When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers;
I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver


"I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the  people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them."
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager


"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget."
- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
 
"My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth,  you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good."
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor


"When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball.  They did but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax's."
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery

"I don't know. I only played there for nine years."
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost."
- John Breen, Houston Oilers

"The film looks suspiciously like the game itself."
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
 
"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo."
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
 
"I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the  knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats."
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner


"Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day."
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
 
"I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the  third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball."
- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach


"I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday."
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
 
  "I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George.'"
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
 
"I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the  operation on someone else, not you."
- Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers
 
"Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash."
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.
 
"The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have  to watch the films on Sunday."
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
 
Two favorites are: Hugh "Duffy" Daugherty when asked if he had any superstitions:
"Only superstition I have is that it's bad luck to be behind at the end of the game!"
and of course, John McKay, after a pathetic loss by his Tampa Bay Buccaneers
when asked to comment on his team's execution: "I'm in favor of it..."
 
Finally, Vince Lombardi's observation, "Football isn't a contact sport.
Football is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Dorothy Parker on martinis

'I love to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table.
After four I'm under my host!'

Friday, November 7, 2014

SAFE AT HOME

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front yard, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, FBI, CIA and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer...

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Fishing

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Air Force Base.  A ragged old Army Aviator was standing near the edge with a fishing rod … his line in the puddle.

A curious young Air Force fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old guy simply said.

'Poor old fool,' the Air Force officer thought and he invited the ragged old aviator into the pub for a drink. 
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the haughty fighter pilot asked, "And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth,' the old Army Aviator answered.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Complete and Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words...

Complete and Finish

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was:..

How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer....

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.


When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,


....and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are....

COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

Monday, October 13, 2014

Feeling safe at home

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, FBI, CIA and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.

Oh by the way the beard is coming along nicely.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Irish birthday tradition


Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they 'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy 's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ..

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why an 't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy 's, troubled blue eyes and said...

"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya daft fool!


Thursday, September 11, 2014

Video Will

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:



"My son Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."


"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."


"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."



The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the jerk had a paper route!"

The optomist

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how  horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. 


 On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did
you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"



"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." 


"How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it
have been worse?"



"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d
be dead now!"

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Truisms

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.


2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.


3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.


4. Breaking News... Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.


5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

First Drink With My Son...

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, when memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn't like it, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Molson, Labatt, Coors and Premium Dry Cider.

By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the stroller back home!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Knock on the door

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.  I opened it to find a young,
well-dressed man standing there who said, "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."



"Hello," I said, "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"


He said, "Beats the shit out of me, nobody ever let me in before."

Monday, June 30, 2014

French wedding

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.


The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.


Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol test (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.


The Englishman answers with humor: "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side !!

Monday, June 23, 2014

Speech therapist

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting no where with her "Stammerers Action Group". She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"


The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."


"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"


The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".


"That's no better.There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish."


"How about you, Paddy?"


The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London."


"Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.


After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said.....


"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

Sunday, June 8, 2014

The Will

Harold Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

So, he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall .."

"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks
of the Thames .."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Harold slips away, she says ,

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to
have accumulated all this property"

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the asshole had a paper route!"

Welcome to America


Friday, May 23, 2014

Tonsils vs. Circumcision

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.  Theirs will be first on the schedule.  The older boy leans over and asks,  "What are you having done?"  The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision."  "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.

"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

Friday, May 16, 2014

Politically incorrect team names

I agree with our Native American population . I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay.   We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
 
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.   If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
 
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive . Gone.   It's offensive to us white folk.
 
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population .   Do you see a team named for the Confederacy?  No!  There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.
 
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names.   Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
 
 Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged .   We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
 
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children .  The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits .   Wrong message to our children .
 
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic .   Wrong message to our children .
 
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates . Wrong message to our children.
 
The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying . . . Wrong message to our children.
 
So, there you go.  We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress loves . . .
 
With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers."

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife.
 
Inspector :   What is her height?

Husband:     I never checked.

Inspector :   Slim or chubby?

Husband:     Not slim, can be chubby.

Inspector :    Color of eyes?

Husband :    Never noticed.

Inspector :   Color of hair?

Husband :    Changes according to season.

Inspector :    What was she wearing?

Husband :   Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector :   Was she driving?

Husband :   Yes.

Inspector :    Tell me the number, name, and color of the car. . . . .

Husband :  Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And, it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….........

And, then the husband started crying...

Inspector: Don't worry sir we will find your car!

 

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Police Officer Test

 How to tell the difference between an English Police Officer, Canadian Police Officer, American Police Officer and Scottish Police Officer?

QUESTION:
You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are carrying your truncheon and are expert in using it, however you only have a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:
British Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, can he sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and loss of my family home?

Canadian Police Officer:
BANG!

American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie.
Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"

SO, THIS IS HOW WOMEN COUNT Best Ball

Husband and Wife play "Best Ball"

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot Tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will Be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".

To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

Monday, April 14, 2014

Streaking golfer

One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.  


As he passes by the first woman, she looks him up & down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.   


As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.  


He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Wait a minute,” she says.  “He’s not even a member of this club”.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

An old guy at Hooters.

During a long day of looking around a car show , me, and a couple of my friends , stopped in at 'Hooter's' for some Hot Wings and a few beers.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.


I told them " The one who knows how to fix elevators."



I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Happy St. Patty's Day

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.


The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.


Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.


Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"


About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.


"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Friday, March 14, 2014

It's insensitive and offensive.


I agree with our Native American population.  I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.  One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay.  We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
 

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.
 

If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
 

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive.  Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
 

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population.  Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No!  There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives.
 

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names.  Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
 

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
 

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children.  The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits.  Wrong message to our children.
 

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic.  Wrong message to our children.
 

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates.  Wrong message to our children.
 

The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying . . . Wrong  message to our children.
 

So, there you go.  We need to support any legislation that comes out to

rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved

with this issue, as they should.  Just the kind of thing the do-nothing

congress loves . . .
 

With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers.”
 

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Bourd's Oscar Picks 2014


My picks:

Best actor:   Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club

Best actress:  Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine

Best supporting actor:  Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club

Best supporting actress:  Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Slave

Best director:  Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity

Best picture:  12 Years a Slave

My sleepers: 

Best actor:   Leonardo DiCaprio for the Wolf of Wall Street

Best actress:  Judi Dench for Phlomena

Best supporting actor:  Barkhad Abdi for Capt. Phillips

Best supporting actress:  June Squibb for Nebraska

Best director:  David O. Russell for American Hustle

Best picture:  Gravity

 

 

Monday, February 10, 2014

Marooned on an island

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people were shipwrecked :

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores.etc.etc

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Mail Order Bride

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. 

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. 

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. 

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. 

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. 

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. 

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' 

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Monday, February 3, 2014

Moose hunt

Two hunters named Stosh and Grzegorz, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected, saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load, and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"

Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Thursday, January 30, 2014

New Canadian Duo


Touche'

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
 
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
 
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
 
The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other bloody side???

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Touching Super Bowl Anniversary

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.  "No," he says, "The seat is empty." 

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" 

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."  "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. 

"No, they're all at the funeral."

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Creative Thinking

A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons.  When his sons opened up the Will it read:

My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of the total horses;


My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;

My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

As its impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.  Eventually they decided to go to a farmer friend, whom they considered to be quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the Will patiently and, after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses. Now, he divided the horses according to their fathers Will.

Half of 18 = 9, so he gave the eldest son 9 horses.


1/3rd of 18 = 6, so he gave the middle son 6 horses.

1/9th of 18 = 2, so he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Adding up how many horses they have:



Eldest son 9


Middle son 6


Youngest son 2 TOTAL 17

Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.

Problem Solved!


Moral:

The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find
the 18th horse, i.e. the common ground.  Once a person is able to find the 18th horse the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times; however, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution, we won't be able to reach one!

Friday, January 17, 2014

Power Outage

We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV,  DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut  down.

Then  I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining  outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I  went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs  power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She  seems like a nice  person.