Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Allah and the virgins

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, “Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I’m only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won’t know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?”

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So ‘you’re’ here to service ‘them.’ Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty.”

The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”

Allah replied, “Who said they were women?”

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Christmas Shopping.......

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared". The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: “Where the hell are you?”

Husband: “Darling you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.”

Wife, with a smile blushing: “Yes, I remember that my Love.”

Husband: “Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop.”

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa -

My wish list for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up again like you did last year.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Cowboy

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'  The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. 

The usher became more impatient, 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'  Once again, the cowboy just groaned.  The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.  Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. 

Finally they summoned the police.  The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?' 'Freddy,' the cowboy moaned.  'Where ya from, Freddy?' asked the Ranger.  With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,  Freddy replied........

"The balcony...."

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Two old guys

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years".

He said,"That's a mirror, dumass!”