Feeling safe at home

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, FBI, CIA and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.

Oh by the way the beard is coming along nicely.

Irish birthday tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they 'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy 's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .. "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why an 't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy 's, troubled blue eyes and said... "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya daft fool!