The
flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has
intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the
illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign has prompted
an exodus of left leaning US Citizens who fear they'll be required to hunt,
pray, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian
border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
global warming activists, and green energy proponents crossing their fields at
night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold and
hungry, and asked if I could spare a latte and a free-range chicken. When I
said I had neither, he left before I could show him my screenplay, eh?"
To
stop the illegals, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled
them. He then installed loudspeakers blaring Rush Limbaugh across the fields,
but they kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who
pack liberals into electric cars, drive them across the border and leave them
to fend for themselves when the batteries die.
"A
lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single
bottle of Perrier. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though,
and some kale chips."
When
liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly
that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating
about plans to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink
domestic beer and study the Constitution.
In
recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing. Some disguise
themselves as senior citizens taking bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig
disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing
the supposed seniors about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they
were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on
Lawrence Welk, we become very suspicious," an official said.
Canadians
have complained that the illegals are creating shortages of organic broccoli,
Barbara Streisand CD's and Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for
American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't handle them," an
Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history or political science majors
can one country support?"
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