Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Florida Code

When giving directions in Florida, you should always start with the words, "take I-75, take I-4 or take I-95..."

If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 AM - 10 AM and 4 PM - 7 PM.This is considered to be rush hour and you're not in any rush.  No Exceptions....

Freeways can only go north and south. Not east and west.

Tolls are a fact of life down here; the state has to make money, so deal with it!

I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction... that's the law; there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!

'A1A' and 'ALT A1A' are the same road.

Traffic lights aren't timed and never will be.

We measure the distance we travel in time - not miles.

If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange 'Bob's Barricade', you're lost!

If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, it’s perfectly
acceptable to back up.


Every street in Florida has both a name and a number  (i.e. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the hell of it and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.

Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through theintersection, eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.

Know the difference between SunPass , Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel, and Sun Trust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.

Your blinker means nothing.

English is our first and second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.

We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite
you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.


When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, beer, and potato chips.

You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Lake, Town, County, Blvd, Street, and Avenue.

A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.

You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that everyone else has moved here.

There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on almost every corner - with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.

It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your Holiday decorations.

There is a city called 'The Villages' where 85,000 old people live that drive golf carts and dance in the streets.

Jupiter is a city, not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays. Not weeknights or weekends - that's for the working folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.

You can't say; 'this is how we did it up north'. If you think that way, then go back up north.  Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways.

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside.  But, inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.

There are three things you need to survive a Florida winter: A long sleeved T-shirt, sunscreen and the ability to mock all those extremely pale visitors with the bright pink 'Florida Tans'. 

The same neighbor who smiles at you every day will be the first one to rat you out if you are violating water restrictions.

This would be even funnier if it weren't so darned true

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Never thought of this......

You know, there are some things that you just never think of..........like Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian side.

DC Earthquake news

Evidently the quake occurred on a little known fault line outside of DC called "Bush's Fault." 

As all of DC leaves work at the same time, the United States experiences a brief economic recovery.

Obama administration points out they "inherited" fault lines from previous administrations.

Fox News claims the Washington monument is leaning to the right, MSNBC claims it's leaning to the left.

It appears as if The United States Geological Survey has determined that the epicenter of the Virginia earthquake was in a graveyard just outside of Washington DC. The cause appears to be all of our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

English language

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for groups of animals.

There is a Pride of lions;

a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens);

a School of fish;

an Exaltation of doves;

and presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider the baboon. The loudest, most dangerous and viciously aggressive of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

A Congress.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Getting priorities right or why the West is bankrupt

A naked and drunken woman boards a cab in London one night. The Indian driver keeps staring and does not start the cab.

Woman: Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before???

Indian Driver: I am not staring at you lady...just wondering where you kept money to pay me!

Moral:
That is what most of the American and European banks failed to do (i.e.) assessing repayment capacity before taking in the exposure!!

Football quotes about success and failure

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble THIS football"John Heisman

"Show me a good and gracious loser and I'll show you a failure."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any."
Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.

"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas ."
Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"When you win, nothing hurts."
Joe Namath / Alabama

"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!"
Bear Bryant / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts / Georgia

"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life."
Paul Dietzel / LSU

"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class."
Bear Bryant / Alabama

When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. "No, but you can see it from here."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring........give us the ball near the goal line."
Matty Bell / SMU

"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."
Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar.......except for my grades."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember ..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
Shug Jordan / Auburn

"They cut us up like boarding house pie.......And that's real small pieces."
Darrell Royal / Texas

"They whipped us like a tied up goat."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good."
Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game message to his team: "All those who need showers...take them."
John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat.........our team is getting a great education."
Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
John McKay / USC

"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad ."
Darrell Royal / University of Texas

"I've found that prayers work best ........when you have big players."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Lake Keowee profundity

Two men are out just fishing on Lake Keowee quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Ladies who lunch

A group of girlfriends, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were handsome, with tight trousers and nice bums.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the sea.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Interesting website names

These are not made up.  Check them out yourself!
1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:

www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:

www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island '. It can be found at:

www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at:

www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:

www.powergenitalia.com

6.'IP computer' software, there's always:

 www.ip_anywhere.com

7.  And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:

www.speedofart.com