Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Dinner at home

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams at him in front of the friend, "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking for you and your damned friend tonight
 
What the hell did you bring him home for?”
 
The husband softly responds, "Because.... he's thinking of getting married...."

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Oklahoma, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
 
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Oklahoma, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
 
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.  One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." 
 
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
 
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking - hasn't affected my brothers though.

Stiff upper lip

On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
               
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
 
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood..    What do you say to that ?"
               
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

Chitchat at the airport

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto :

'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto :

'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says :

'What the hell do you want?'

'Aha!' he says

"American Airlines".

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Why men wear earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."


"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
(I always wondered how this trend got started.)