tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78522524158025651312024-03-05T23:24:17.797-05:00Are you bored?Obviously.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Check out my other blogs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~See profile.~~~~~~~~~~All links were good when posted.R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.comBlogger809125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-21837031939444971792017-02-19T10:30:00.003-05:002017-02-19T10:30:43.622-05:00UP
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the
dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].
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It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the
top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
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At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and
why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the
secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP
a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the
kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
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At other times, this little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and
think UP excuses. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is
special. <br />
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And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it
is stopped UP.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We open UP a store in the morning but we
close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
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To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP
in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP
almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
If you are UP to it, you might try building Up list of the many
ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if
you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the
earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is
UP! <br />
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Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the
morning and the last thing you do at night?
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U P ! <br />
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Did that one crack you UP?
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Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your
address book . . . or not . . . it's UP to you.
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Now I'll shut UP!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-28393335409439653292017-02-07T21:46:00.000-05:002017-02-07T21:46:10.690-05:001917<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">The year is 1917 "One hundred years ago."</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">What a difference a century makes!</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Here are some statistics for the Year 1917:</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">A dentist $2,500 per year.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">More than 95 percent of all births took place at home</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Sugar cost four cents a pound.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.</span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Most women only washed their hair once a month,</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">And, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">The Five leading causes of death were:</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">1. Pneumonia and influenza</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">2. Tuberculosis</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">3. Diarrhea</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">4. Heart disease</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">5. Stroke</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">The American flag had 45 stars ...</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">There was neither a Mother's Day nor a Father's Day.</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">And, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstores.</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates </span></b><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!" (Shocking?)</span></b><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help...</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.</span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD all in a matter of seconds!</span></b><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 20pt;">It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.</span></b></div>
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R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-42301079872569082352016-08-16T11:16:00.001-04:002016-08-16T11:16:42.630-04:00Mental exercise<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Which of the following names are you familiar with?<span style="color: black;"></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black;"><br /></span><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">1. Monica Lewinski</span></span><span style="color: black;"><br /></span><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">2. Bill Clinton</span></span><span style="color: black;"><br /></span><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">3. Hillary Clinton</span></span><span style="color: black;"><br /></span><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">4. Adolph Hitler</span></span><span style="color: black;"><br /></span><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">5. Jorge Bergoglio</span></span><span style="color: black;"><br /></span><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">6. Winnie Mandela</span></span><span style="color: black;"><br /></span><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">7. Vladimir Putin</span></span><span style="color: black;"><br /></span><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">8. Linda Lovelace</span></span><span style="color: black;"><br /></span><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">9. Saddam Hussein</span></span><span style="color: black;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;">10. Tiger Woods</span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;">You had trouble with #5?</span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;">You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope . . . </span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Lovely, just lovely!</span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
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R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-33896423430770752212016-08-10T10:50:00.000-04:002016-08-10T10:50:37.590-04:00It's almost football season<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" <br />- John Heisman <br /> <br />"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." <br />– Bear Bryant/Alabama <br /> <br />"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” <br />- Knute Rockne/Notre Dame <br /> <br />"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any." <br />– Erik Russell/Georgia Southern <br /> <br />"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." <br />- Lou Holtz/Arkansas - Notre Dame <br /> <br />"When you win, nothing hurts." <br />- Joe Namath/Alabama <br /> <br />"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." <br />- Frank Leahy/Notre Dame <br /><br />"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." <br />- Woody Hayes/Ohio State <br /> <br />"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” <br />- Bob Devaney/Nebraska <br /><br />"In Alabama,an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.” <br />- Wally Butts/Georgia<br /> <br />"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." <br />– Alex Karras/Iowa <br /> <br />"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” <br />- Bowden Wyatt/Tennessee <br /> <br />"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." <br />- Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State<br /> <br /> "Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." <br />- Shug Jordan/Auburn <br /> <br />"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me." He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." <br />- Walt Garrison/Oklahoma State <br /><br />"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." <br />- Bobby Bowden/Florida State <br /><br />"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." <br />- Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State <br /> <br /> After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them." <br />- John McKay/USC <br /> <br />"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”<br />- Murray Warmath/Minnesota <br /> <br />"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." <br />- Knute Rockne/Notre Dame<br /> <br />"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." <br />- Darrell Royal/Texas <br /> <br />"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” <br />- John McKay/USC <br /> <br />"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.” <br />- Knute Rockne/Notre Dame<br /> <br /> Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”<br /> <br />Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday. <br /> <br /> What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.<br /> <br /> How many Florida State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.<br /> <br /> How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.<br /> <br /> Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."The other looked up in the sky and said,"Where?"<br /><br />What do you say to a University of Georgia football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."<br /> <br /> If three Arkansas football players are in the same car, who is driving? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">The police officer.<br /> <br />How can you tell if an Old Miss football player has a girlfriend? There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.<br /> <br /> What do you get when you put 32 Mississippi State cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.<br /> <br />University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.<br /> <br /> How is the Kentucky football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.<br /> <br /> Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.<br /><br />How do you get a former Miami football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.</span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-36967253147962823452016-06-17T10:19:00.000-04:002016-06-17T10:19:07.375-04:001956 Chevy
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white;">The proud owner of a magnificent
1956 Chevrolet convertible, wrote to say he had restored the car to perfection
over the last few years, and sent this......</span><br />
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<span style="background: white;">On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to
take his car to town. It needed gas, as the gauge was practically on
empty, but he wanted ice cream, so he headed first to his favorite ice cream
shop.</span><br />
<span style="background: white;"> </span><br />
<span style="background: white;">He had trouble finding a parking space and had
to park the car down a side street. He noticed a group of young
guys standing around smoking cigarettes and eyeing my car rather
covetously. He was a bit uneasy leaving it there, but people often take
interest in such an old and well-preserved car, so he went off to enjoy his ice
cream.</span><br />
<br />
The line at the ice cream shop was long and it took him quite a while to return
to his car. When he did, his worst fears were realized… his car was gone.<br />
<br />
He called the police and reported the theft and then went back and bought a
quart of pistachio ice cream. About ten minutes later the police called
him to say they had found the car abandoned near a gas station a few miles out
of town.<br />
<br />
It was unharmed and he was relieved. It seems just before he called, the
police had received a call from a young woman who was an employee at a
self-service gas station. She told them that three young men had driven
in with this beautiful old convertible. One of them came to the window
and prepaid for 20 dollars-worth of gas.<br />
<br />
Then all three of them walked around the car, looking at it carefully, and then
just walked away…….without filling the tank. <br />
<br />
The question is, why would anybody steal a car, pay for gas that they never
pumped, and then abandon the car later and walk away?<span style="color: #555555; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="background: white;"> </span><br />
<span style="background: white; font-size: 22pt;">Answer: They couldn't find
where to put the gas! </span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBMyNSEnJhdlN-g4zKV6JWs6FkfwlAlKTcBaDNGqsWzES0p8Kxj8Al7JM6tfY0pSQypMdmgR5RmsIFOwrXQXqSaPolBDJbb7SMmAqD9GiyRT-pOU5AnuNFBAp0nwnYuMpDpna-CTg75xY/s1600/aaa+chevy+gas+cap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="353" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBMyNSEnJhdlN-g4zKV6JWs6FkfwlAlKTcBaDNGqsWzES0p8Kxj8Al7JM6tfY0pSQypMdmgR5RmsIFOwrXQXqSaPolBDJbb7SMmAqD9GiyRT-pOU5AnuNFBAp0nwnYuMpDpna-CTg75xY/s400/aaa+chevy+gas+cap.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="Style1" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 22pt;"></span><span style="color: #555555; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-88024777034192642042016-06-14T10:40:00.000-04:002016-06-14T10:40:00.491-04:00Cool<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made
a language entirely out of tattoos.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--></span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-6966757255735848402016-06-13T09:11:00.001-04:002016-06-13T09:11:23.776-04:00Breakfast in bed<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple
"Thank you" is all I need ... not all this, "How did you get
into my house?" business.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--></span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-64977096822341487552016-06-12T13:16:00.005-04:002016-06-12T13:16:34.952-04:00Therapy<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">My therapist said that my narcissism causes me
to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.</span></span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-40009732709446051182016-06-11T01:56:00.000-04:002016-06-11T01:56:18.676-04:00Robe distance<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->
<!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">The location of your mailbox shows you how far
away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a
mental patient.</span></span></span></span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-72061280421964901802016-06-05T08:48:00.002-04:002016-06-05T08:48:32.140-04:00Another classic<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow.” <br /><br />Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old." <br /><br />Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?" <br /><br />Mick says, "Well I couldn't walk for about a year.”</span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-63075828090951858812016-05-15T13:35:00.000-04:002016-05-15T13:35:23.119-04:00The Scotsman and the Englishman<span size="4" style="font-size: medium;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"></span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span><span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span></span></span> <span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. <br /><br />"I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. <br /><br />Come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. <br /><br />Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'" <br /><br />The Scotsman is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening." <br /><br />So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 o’clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very<br />full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. <br /><br />The Englishman just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left." <br /><br />And the Scotsman adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"</span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-2827833799286352352016-03-23T10:04:00.001-04:002016-03-23T10:04:14.106-04:00New border crisis
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The
flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has
intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the
illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign has prompted
an exodus of left leaning US Citizens who fear they'll be required to hunt,
pray, and live according to the Constitution.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Canadian
border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
global warming activists, and green energy proponents crossing their fields at
night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold and
hungry, and asked if I could spare a latte and a free-range chicken. When I
said I had neither, he left before I could show him my screenplay, eh?"</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">To
stop the illegals, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled
them. He then installed loudspeakers blaring Rush Limbaugh across the fields,
but they kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who
pack liberals into electric cars, drive them across the border and leave them
to fend for themselves when the batteries die.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">"A
lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single
bottle of Perrier. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though,
and some kale chips."</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">When
liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly
that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating
about plans to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink
domestic beer and study the Constitution.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">In
recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing. Some disguise
themselves as senior citizens taking bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig
disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing
the supposed seniors about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they
were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on
Lawrence Welk, we become very suspicious," an official said.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Canadians
have complained that the illegals are creating shortages of organic broccoli,
Barbara Streisand CD's and Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for
American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't handle them," an
Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history or political science majors
can one country support?"</span></div>
R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-18624052417697294122016-01-26T15:07:00.000-05:002016-01-26T15:07:19.227-05:00Yorkshire logic<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">The couple had been happily married and living on their farm for more than fifty years when, sadly, Gladys passed away. When informed of the cost of an obituary the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?” He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple" he explained. “My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wun't ‘ave wanted owt swanky."</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">“Perhaps a small poem?” suggested the woman at the desk.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Nay, lass" he said. "She wun't ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da. Just put:- ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died'.”</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"You need to say when she died," he was told by the receptionist</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Do I? Well, then put 'Died 17th December 2015'. That’ll do."</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed, sir."</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">The man considered for a moment. "Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’ That’ll do," he said.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"You can have another four words" the woman explained.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"No, no lass!" he cried. "She wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out like that."</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">“The words are included in the price. You've already paid for them," the woman informed him.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Are they? I’ve already paid for ‘em?"</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Yes, sir, indeed you have."</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em," exclaimed the man, "I’m ‘avin’ ‘em then!"</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br clear="none" /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 6pt;">
<span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">The obituary was duly printed. "Gladys Braithwaite. Died 17th December 2015. Sadly missed. Also, tractor for sale."</span></span></div>
R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-86723142537954950202015-12-29T10:23:00.000-05:002015-12-29T10:23:20.369-05:00Difficult and impossible words.<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black;">WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:</span><span style="color: black;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span><span style="color: black;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black;">1. Innovative<br />2. Preliminary<br />3. Proliferation<br />4. Cinnamon<br />5. Indubitably</span><span style="color: black;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span><span style="color: black;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black;">WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:</span><span style="color: black;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span><span style="color: black;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black;">1. Specificity<br />2. Anti-constitutionalistically<br />3. Passive-aggressive disorder<br />4. Transubstantiate</span><span style="color: black;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span><span style="color: black;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black;">WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: </span><span style="color: black;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span><span style="color: black;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black;">1. No thanks, I’m married.<br />2. Nope, no more booze for me!<br />3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.<br />4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.<br />5. I’m not interested in fighting you.<br />6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real fool!<br />7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.</span><span style="color: black;"><u></u><u></u></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></div>
</div>
R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-33374911650104860622015-12-29T10:22:00.003-05:002015-12-29T10:22:47.566-05:00Dinner party chatter<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span><br />R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-66380905498731039052015-12-24T11:11:00.002-05:002015-12-24T11:11:26.416-05:00Christmas shopping<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /> The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /> Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all<br /> choked up…</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /><br /> "Well I am in the bar next to that."</span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-27248184283449218132015-12-22T09:43:00.000-05:002015-12-22T09:43:39.527-05:00Low man on the totem pole<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">All of the nine senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the sole junior member, was left sitting outside. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around the board table. He was invited to join them, which of course he did. </span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">As soon as he sat down, the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eyes, and with a stern voice, asked, Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary? </span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Oh, no sir!, positively not! Bob replied. Are you absolutely sure? asked the chairman. </span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Honest, I have never even been close enough to touch her! You swear to that?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime or anywhere.</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Good, then you fire her!"</span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-76179913774972012272015-11-24T16:04:00.003-05:002015-11-24T16:04:47.675-05:00Fee transparency<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">A man goes to a lawyer and asks, " What do you charge?" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><br />The lawyer replies, "One hundred dollars for three questions." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><br />The man says, "Isn't that kind of steep?" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><br />The lawyer says, "Yes it is." "What is your third question?"</span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-78209953613300914402015-11-24T10:49:00.003-05:002015-11-24T10:49:58.446-05:00Irish Capacity for Drink<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Several weeks ago, I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland, when a group of American tourists came in. One of the men said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">40 minutes later, the Irishman who had left earlier, returned and yelled, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "So pour the pints and start the clock."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.</span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-9946023321966243702015-11-19T13:45:00.000-05:002015-11-19T13:45:10.241-05:00Good dead of the day<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">And she was upset. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm leaving you. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">I want a divorce right away!' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">And the husband began...</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"</span>R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-1896839521867780512015-10-27T12:52:00.003-04:002015-10-27T12:52:53.782-04:00The Woman Marine Pilot<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. <br /><br /> The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.<br /><br />There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.<br /><br />But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.<br /><br />Janie, do you have a story to share?' <br /><br /> ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.<br /><br />She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. <br /> She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.<br /><br />She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't <br /> break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.<br /><br />She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, <br /> killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. <br /><br /> ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story? <br /><br /> "Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."</span><br />R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-2837281466296855682015-10-10T09:13:00.003-04:002015-10-10T09:13:40.232-04:00Pub fishing
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front
of the little Irish Pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick
with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Fishing replied the old man.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Poor old bugger thought the gentleman, so he invited
the old man to have a drink in the pub.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Feeling he should start some conversation while they
were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, and how many have you caught today?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">You’re the eighth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-36575030476523274922015-10-09T16:26:00.003-04:002015-10-09T16:26:47.654-04:00Historical perspective on VW software crime<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIMMdiJXnbytGsnSrslusoCVymoFIs15MtJgqWDAIfyWvLiwmPuFPs_I0qgO4COr-9lJt4cQiNHprsC91OGZUhsLUNe0VUsSaLQyzy3N1UhktLDhIRcEv-C5dDxbVMXJT8Rr-3KoecdhI/s1600/VW+software.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="321" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIMMdiJXnbytGsnSrslusoCVymoFIs15MtJgqWDAIfyWvLiwmPuFPs_I0qgO4COr-9lJt4cQiNHprsC91OGZUhsLUNe0VUsSaLQyzy3N1UhktLDhIRcEv-C5dDxbVMXJT8Rr-3KoecdhI/s400/VW+software.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-28956228017216005712015-10-07T15:04:00.001-04:002015-10-07T15:04:56.578-04:00How people ignored each other before smart phones.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWh_VG3GrzxXlw_EzW_zWl2EJhsEY1kgZ2X4BOnoXwP7ujqGk2MBTv3XmL1UKX_KhPThm_AFzW-I9bZJDCUOivZGnGDBqaE-Y86JGSkkVEDqJQtXDhbxze0La9AAbNwKpzYfqZh7adl_g/s1600/B4+Smartphones.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="520" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWh_VG3GrzxXlw_EzW_zWl2EJhsEY1kgZ2X4BOnoXwP7ujqGk2MBTv3XmL1UKX_KhPThm_AFzW-I9bZJDCUOivZGnGDBqaE-Y86JGSkkVEDqJQtXDhbxze0La9AAbNwKpzYfqZh7adl_g/s640/B4+Smartphones.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7852252415802565131.post-19003813523297797812015-08-27T10:17:00.002-04:002015-08-27T10:17:40.670-04:00Where you live matters<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.<br /><br /> By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."<br /><br /> In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit.<br /><br /> In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."<br /><br /> In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."<br /><br /> In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."<br /><br /> In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."<br /><br /> In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."<br /><br /> In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."<br /><br /> In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."<br /><br /> In North Carolina, Virginia, W.Va., Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Missouri, Wisconsin, Tennessee, Kentucky, Florida and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."<br /><br /> And in Texas; he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo." </span><div style="display: inline;">
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R U Bourdhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438455681661503624noreply@blogger.com0