Best Bar Sign Ever

Breaking news

Beginning  early next month gas stations will startshowing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can watch someone else get screwed the same time that you do!!

Get out of debt

Yessss!

This old story out of Texas . Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"
Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."

Laser cat bowling

Oscar Picks - Who ya got?

Best Picture

"Black Swan," Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver and Scott Franklin, Producers
"The Fighter" David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman and Mark Wahlberg, Producers
"Inception," Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan, Producers
"The Kids Are All Right," Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte and Celine Rattray, Producers
"The King's Speech," Iain Canning, Emile Sherman and Gareth Unwin, Producers
"127 Hours," Christian Colson, Danny Boyle and John Smithson, Producers
"The Social Network," Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca and Ceán, Producers
"Toy Story 3" Darla K. Anderson, Producer
"True Grit" Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
"Winter's Bone" Anne Rosellini and Alix Madigan-Yorkin, Producers

Berny’s pick: The Social Network

Actor in a Leading Role:
Javier Bardem in "Biutiful"
Jeff Bridges in "True Grit"
Jesse Eisenberg in "The Social Network"
Colin Firth in "The King's Speech"
James Franco in "127 Hours"

Berny’s pick: Jesse Eisenberg

Actor in a Supporting Role:
Christian Bale in "The Fighter"
John Hawkes in "Winter's Bone"
Jeremy Renner in "The Town"
Mark Ruffalo in "The Kids Are All Right"
Geoffrey Rush in "The King's Speech"

Berny’s pick: Christian Bale

Actress in a Leading Role:
Annette Bening in "The Kids Are All Right"
Nicole Kidman in "Rabbit Hole"
Jennifer Lawrence in "Winter's Bone"
Natalie Portman in "Black Swan"
Michelle Williams in "Blue Valentine"

Berny’s pick: Natalie Portman

Actress in a Supporting Role:
Amy Adams in "The Fighter"
Helena Bonham Carter in "The King's Speech"
Melissa Leo in "The Fighter"
Hailee Steinfeld in "True Grit"
Jacki Weaver in "Animal Kingdom"

Berny’s pick: Melissa Leo

Directing:
"Black Swan," Darren Aronofsky
"The Fighter," David O. Russell
"The King's Speech," Tom Hooper
"The Social Network," David Fincher
"True Grit," Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

Berny’s pick: Coen Bros.

May/December

Bill, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and outright charm while hanging over Bills arm and listening intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

Bill says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
 Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

New Wizard of Oz

Today if Dorothy met some old guys who had no heart, no brain and no courage, she wouldn't be in Kansas or Oz, she would be in Congress.

Texas Translations of California Euphemisms.

In California                                          In Texas
 Diverse or Lifestyle Choice                    Sinful and Perverted

Arsenal of Weapons                               Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands                                   Swamp

Undocumented Worker                             Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials                              Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery                                 Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed                                          Well-protected

Narrow-minded                                         Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share                            Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control                         Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives                  Fireworks or Stump Removal

Nonviable Tissue Mass                                 Unborn Baby

Equal Access to Opportunity                          Socialism

Multicultural Community                               High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress                             Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich"                                Self-Employed

Progressive, Change                                     Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged                        Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle                                                         Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future                                Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform                                           Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater                       Conservative

Truants                                                               Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed                                         Criminal or Lazy
                                                                              Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine                        Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot                                                  Church-going

Reintroduced Wolves                                           Sheep and Elk Killers

Fair Trade Coffee                                        Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich"                               Employed or Land Owner

The Gun Lobby                                                        NRA Members

Assault Weapon                               Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus                                      New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage                                            Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-                                              Chinese Mercury-Laden
    Friendly Lighting                                                Light Bulbs

Free health care

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and; if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.

Now that, my friends, is a mother in law.

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.'

Texting

Having a bad day

WWII trivia

You might enjoy this from COL D. G. Swinford, USMC (Ret) and history buff. You would really have to dig deep to get this kind of ringside seat to history:



1. The first German serviceman killed in WW II was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940); highest ranking American killed was Lt Gen Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies.



2. The youngest US serviceman was 12-year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. His benefits were later restored by an act of Congress.



3. At the time of Pearl Harbor, the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced 'sink us'), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named 'Amerika.' All three were soon changed for PR purposes.



4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions, your chance of being killed was 71%.



5. Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese Ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.



6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.



YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS ONE........



7. When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).



8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City, but they decided it wasn't worth the effort.



9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.



10. Among the first 'Germans' captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.



AND I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST....



11. Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 United States and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands. 21 troops were killed in the assault on the island. It could have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.

When love fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or fish?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup asshole. I was talking to the cat!"