Huge in the 80s

Twilight

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Dating

Duck, duck, goose

Allah and the virgins

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, “Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I’m only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won’t know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?”

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So ‘you’re’ here to service ‘them.’ Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty.”

The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”

Allah replied, “Who said they were women?”

Christmas Shopping.......

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared". The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: “Where the hell are you?”

Husband: “Darling you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.”

Wife, with a smile blushing: “Yes, I remember that my Love.”

Husband: “Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop.”

Santa in the center

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Letter to Santa

Dear Santa -

My wish list for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up again like you did last year.

Cowboy

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'  The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. 

The usher became more impatient, 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'  Once again, the cowboy just groaned.  The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.  Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. 

Finally they summoned the police.  The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?' 'Freddy,' the cowboy moaned.  'Where ya from, Freddy?' asked the Ranger.  With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,  Freddy replied........

"The balcony...."

Two old guys

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years".

He said,"That's a mirror, dumass!”

PM Green

Click image to enlarge.

I wish I'd said that ...

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words...

·    A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

·    "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

·    "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

·    "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

·    "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow

·    "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

·    "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

·    "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

·    "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

·    "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

·    "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.

·    "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

·    "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

·    "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

·    "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

·    "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

·    "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

·    "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

·    "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

·    "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

·    "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

·    "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

·    "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

·    "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx 

Places I have and have not been

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.


I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

Engineering Flowchart

Click image to enlarge.

Romantic dinner

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

God's sense of humor

While creating women, God promised men that good and obedient women would be found in all corners of the world.

--- and then He made the earth round.

Father of the year

I hope you had a great Holloween!

COMPLETE VERSUS FINISHED

Some people say there is no difference between “completed and finished” but, there is an explanation.

When you marry the right one, you are “Complete”.

And when you marry the wrong one, you are “Finished”.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are “Completely Finished”.

And, now you know - end of story.

Brand new IPADS cheap

If you are interested in getting an iPad for Christmas, I can get hold of them through a contact. These are legal, not off the back of a truck. They are from a canceled hospital contract due to the government cutbacks.
The numbers are limited -I have twenty iPads going for less than half Price, so it's first come, first served.

I have already sold one (see pic below so you can see what you would be getting).
Get back to me as quickly as you can, if you want one.

Cellphone Karma

She wants to come back as a bear

Click picture to enlarge

Groaner time

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canuck, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

French Soccer Team

French Soccer Team 1959:

French Soccer Team 2010:

The effects of climate change can no longer be ignored.

Acronyms

From a recent London Times article:

Footy? Now it’s a mug’s game...

Where I live with my wife in Hackney, they’re currently building what looks a lot like a five-a-side football pitch in the park. Except it’s not called a football pitch, it’s called a Multi Use Games Area, or MUGA.

In a neighbourhood notorious for young men demanding money with menaces off unsuspecting citizens, MUGA is not the most sensitive acronym the council could have devised.

Maybe it’s not quite as silly as another local council’s infamous Sexual Health Action Group, or the hotel that created a Fire Alarm Response Team, or the human resources manager who instituted Career Review Action Plans for employees, but it’s still a bit daft.

Norwegian hunters

Two Norwegian farmers and hunters from   Minnesota hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness,   where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the   plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their   gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we   shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same   airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by   another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even   under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down,   crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose,   clothing and sleeping bags, Ragnar and Ole survived the   crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Ole asked Ragnar, "Any idea   where we are?"

Ragnar replied, "you betcha,    we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Facebook spelling police

Fatherly wisdom

So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?'

And this is what I said.

"I've thought a lot about it son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt, turn two and eat sunflower seeds without using his hands.

We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole.

"We're here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway and it's fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone on to med school. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go.

"We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in, on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to see.

"We're here to rake on a jack-high nothing hand and have nobody know it but us. Or get in at least one really good brawl, get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us.

"We're here to shoot a six-point elk and finally get the f-stop right, or to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning.

"We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to make out dog bite on the lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying.

"I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but taking all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be the coach when Wendell, the one whose glasses always fog up, finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't.

"We're here to see the Great One setting up behind the net, tying some poor goaltender's neck into a Windsor knot. We're here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign, two out, bases loaded, bottom of the career. We're here to witness Tiger's lining up the 22-foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it.

We're here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grandkids. Or to stand at the top of our favorite double-black on a double blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: 'Highway's closed. Too much snow." We're here to get the Frisbee to do thing that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake.

We're here to sprint the last 100 yards and soak our shirts and be so tired we have to sit down to pee.

"I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like leaving Wrigley at 4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphy's with half of section 303. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads.

We're here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made, the perfectly frosted malted-beverage mug filled and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday.

"None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, Dang, I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account. We're gong to say "That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!'

"See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We 're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven. Does that answer your question, son?"

And he said, "No?"

And he said, "No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?"

Lee Trevino - a true story

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English ?"

Lee responded, "Yes M'aam, I do."

The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

British survey

How I got a Timex

My neighbors, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:

"I wanna watch!!!"

The Florida Code

When giving directions in Florida, you should always start with the words, "take I-75, take I-4 or take I-95..."

If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 AM - 10 AM and 4 PM - 7 PM.This is considered to be rush hour and you're not in any rush.  No Exceptions....

Freeways can only go north and south. Not east and west.

Tolls are a fact of life down here; the state has to make money, so deal with it!

I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction... that's the law; there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!

'A1A' and 'ALT A1A' are the same road.

Traffic lights aren't timed and never will be.

We measure the distance we travel in time - not miles.

If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange 'Bob's Barricade', you're lost!

If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, it’s perfectly
acceptable to back up.

Every street in Florida has both a name and a number  (i.e. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the hell of it and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.

Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through theintersection, eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.

Know the difference between SunPass , Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel, and Sun Trust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.

Your blinker means nothing.

English is our first and second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.

We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite
you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, beer, and potato chips.

You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Lake, Town, County, Blvd, Street, and Avenue.

A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.

You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that everyone else has moved here.

There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on almost every corner - with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.

It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your Holiday decorations.

There is a city called 'The Villages' where 85,000 old people live that drive golf carts and dance in the streets.

Jupiter is a city, not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays. Not weeknights or weekends - that's for the working folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.

You can't say; 'this is how we did it up north'. If you think that way, then go back up north.  Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways.

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside.  But, inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.

There are three things you need to survive a Florida winter: A long sleeved T-shirt, sunscreen and the ability to mock all those extremely pale visitors with the bright pink 'Florida Tans'. 

The same neighbor who smiles at you every day will be the first one to rat you out if you are violating water restrictions.

This would be even funnier if it weren't so darned true

London Olympic events

Never thought of this......

You know, there are some things that you just never think of..........like Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian side.

DC Earthquake news

Evidently the quake occurred on a little known fault line outside of DC called "Bush's Fault." 

As all of DC leaves work at the same time, the United States experiences a brief economic recovery.

Obama administration points out they "inherited" fault lines from previous administrations.

Fox News claims the Washington monument is leaning to the right, MSNBC claims it's leaning to the left.

It appears as if The United States Geological Survey has determined that the epicenter of the Virginia earthquake was in a graveyard just outside of Washington DC. The cause appears to be all of our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves.

English language

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for groups of animals.

There is a Pride of lions;

a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens);

a School of fish;

an Exaltation of doves;

and presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider the baboon. The loudest, most dangerous and viciously aggressive of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

A Congress.

Getting priorities right or why the West is bankrupt

A naked and drunken woman boards a cab in London one night. The Indian driver keeps staring and does not start the cab.

Woman: Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before???

Indian Driver: I am not staring at you lady...just wondering where you kept money to pay me!

Moral:
That is what most of the American and European banks failed to do (i.e.) assessing repayment capacity before taking in the exposure!!

Football quotes about success and failure

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble THIS football"John Heisman

"Show me a good and gracious loser and I'll show you a failure."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any."
Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.

"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas ."
Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"When you win, nothing hurts."
Joe Namath / Alabama

"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!"
Bear Bryant / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts / Georgia

"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life."
Paul Dietzel / LSU

"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class."
Bear Bryant / Alabama

When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. "No, but you can see it from here."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring........give us the ball near the goal line."
Matty Bell / SMU

"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."
Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar.......except for my grades."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember ..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
Shug Jordan / Auburn

"They cut us up like boarding house pie.......And that's real small pieces."
Darrell Royal / Texas

"They whipped us like a tied up goat."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good."
Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game message to his team: "All those who need showers...take them."
John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat.........our team is getting a great education."
Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
John McKay / USC

"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad ."
Darrell Royal / University of Texas

"I've found that prayers work best ........when you have big players."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Lake Keowee profundity

Two men are out just fishing on Lake Keowee quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

Ladies who lunch

A group of girlfriends, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were handsome, with tight trousers and nice bums.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the sea.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Interesting website names

These are not made up.  Check them out yourself!
1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:

www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:

www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island '. It can be found at:

www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at:

www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:

www.powergenitalia.com

6.'IP computer' software, there's always:

 www.ip_anywhere.com

7.  And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:

www.speedofart.com

Wow is it hot in Florida!

How hot is it?

A buddy out of St. Pete said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A man in Pinellas Park said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

In Lake Tarpon, they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

But just this week, in Seminole, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

Fun puns

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in   France  would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in   Paris , you'd be in Seine ...

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

Truisms

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
 5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Debt crisis logic

If raising the debt limit could solve America's financial crisis, I guess raising legal blood alcohol levels could cure drunk driving!

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. 

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. 

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' 

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 

15. Behind every successful man is his woman.. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were. 

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Dirty things!

Green paper shredder

Pendulum Waves

Texas cowboy drinking tradition

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.  When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he     laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."  "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

The most confusing two letter word

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now .........my time is UP !

Oh....one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P !

Did that one crack you UP?

Mouse and mousetrap

Little Larry

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

5 PEARLS OF SCOTTISH WISDOM.

1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

King Salmon

All you need to know about government bureaucracy

** Pythagorean theorem: ............................................. 24 words
** Lord's prayer: ......................................................... 66 words
** Archimedes' Principle: ............................................... 67 words
** 10 Commandments: .................................................. 179 words
** Gettysburg address: ..............................................286 words
** Declaration of Independence : .............................. 1,300 words
** US Constitution with all 27 Amendments : ................... 7,818 words
** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage: ......... 26,911 words
Sort of puts things into perspective.

Willpower

I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer. A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your will power."

The Ghost of Thanksgiving Yet to Come

"Winston, come into the dining room, it's time to eat," Julia yelled to her husband. "In a minute, honey, it's a tie score," he answer the football game between Detroit and Washington was not really very interesting. Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its "unseemly violence" and the "bad example it sets for the rest of the world," Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be. Two-hand touch wasn't nearly as exciting.


Yet it wasn't the game that Winston was uninterested in. It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey. Even though it was the best type of Veggie Meat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce and mince-meat pie), it wasn't anything like real turkey. And ever since the government officially changed the name of "Thanksgiving Day" to "A National Day of Atonement" in 2020 to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims' historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its luster.

Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold. Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats-which were monitored and controlled by the electric company-be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.

Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family. Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of live-saving medical treatment. He had had many heated conversations with the Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program. And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort. "The RHC's resources are limited," explained the government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. "Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I'm sorry for your loss."

Ed couldn't make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines-for everyone but government officials. The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn't want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.

Thankfully, Winston's brother, John, and his wife were flying in. Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion. No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his hemorrhoids. Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added "inconvenience" was an "absolute necessity" in order to stay "one step ahead of the terrorists." Winston's own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via Anti-Profiling Act of 2022. That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for "unequal scrutiny," even when probable cause was involved. Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc., etc., had become almost routine. Almost.

The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact. "A living Constitution is extremely flexible," said the Court's eldest member, Elena Kagan. " Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example," she added.

Winston's thoughts turned to his own children. He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner. Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford. She whined for a week, but got over it.

His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism or any of a number of other calamities were "just around the corner," but Jason had developed a kind of nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility. It didn't help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being. Winston paid the $5000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13. The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to "spur economic growth." This time they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.

Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement. At least he had his memories. He felt a twinge of sadness when he realized his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life "fair for everyone" realized their full potential. Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realized how much things could change when they didn't happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them.

He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around 2010, when all the real nonsense began. "Maybe we wouldn't be where we are today if we'd just said 'enough is enough' when we had the chance," he thought.

Maybe so, Winston. Maybe so.