Police Officer Test

 How to tell the difference between an English Police Officer, Canadian Police Officer, American Police Officer and Scottish Police Officer?

QUESTION:
You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are expert in using it, however you only have a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:
British Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, can he sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and loss of my family home?

Canadian Police Officer:
BANG!

American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie.
Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"

SO, THIS IS HOW WOMEN COUNT Best Ball

Husband and Wife play "Best Ball"

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot Tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will Be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".

To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

Streaking golfer

One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.  


As he passes by the first woman, she looks him up & down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.   


As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.  


He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Wait a minute,” she says.  “He’s not even a member of this club”.

An old guy at Hooters.

During a long day of looking around a car show , me, and a couple of my friends , stopped in at 'Hooter's' for some Hot Wings and a few beers.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them " The one who knows how to fix elevators."


I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.