A different version of the beginning of mankind

Smart dog

This can't end well

Frosty busted...

Interesting Christmas tree

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

Dark Knight scene spoof for all you Batman fans

Tonight Show photo booth gag

The wife was on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks.

They're up now, and for some reason she won't talk to me?

This isn't true is it ladies?

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender..'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Foreign cars aren't always better

Future engineers

Office black hole

A new generation of classy zombies

Thank God I have a 6 ft fence!

Cloning

Awesome Dude

Newfoundland police chase

Who needs pockets?

Not what you think

Mexican oysters (a classic)

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ... While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those arecalled Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one servingper day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy..'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and thatevening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor...sometimes the bull wins.'

That's where the Rays got the cowbell thing

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

1936 Stainless Steel Ford

This is the 1936 Ford Coupe built for and owned by Allegheny Ludlum Steel. It was attending our open house and then was featured in a local parade with over 100 of our salaried, hourly and retired employees walking alongside. This is 1 of only 4 in existence and is the only one currently in running and in roadworthy condition.

The car is in exceptional condition, with the interior and even the frame looking great.

All 4 cars each had over 200,000 miles on them before they removed them from service.

These cars were built for Allegheny as promotional and marketing projects.

The top salesmen each year were given the honor of being able to drive them for one year.

The v-8 engine (max 85 hp) ran like a sewing machine and was surprisingly smooth and quite.

FYI, the car was insured (we were told) for the trip to Louisville via covered trailer for 1.5 million dollars.

We were also told that the dies were ruined by stamping the stainless car parts, making these the last of these cars ever produced.

More information of the history on these and other Stainless Steel automobiles can be found at Allegheny Ludlum's website.

Vote for....

See more Natalie Portman videos at Funny or Die

A new take on a classic

Happy Holloween y'all

How to save on TP

Music for commercials

Fountain in a Japanese Mall

You knew it had to be an SEC ref.

LSU could have used this guy when they played the Gators.

No excuses

Message for teens

Employee protest

Outraged Lehman Bros. employees stage a protest by blockading the entrance to the company's headquarters.

Wow pic!

When the lightning flashes, this is NOT what you want to see.THIS IS A PICTURE THAT SOMEONE TOOK WHO WORKS ON AN OIL RIG.HE WAS GOING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF THE LIGHTNING AND WAS UNAWAREOF THE TORNADO UNTIL THE LIGHTNING ILLUMINATED IT.This is a one-in-a-million photo...

Taken Thursday night, April 3, 2008Lariat # 2 Sandridge EnergySouth of Ft Stockton, TX

Wrong glasses

Worst best man ever

Why Holloween will suck this year.

Happy Holloween?

Bubba had shingles

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat..

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

Financial crisis hits Japan

Regret more bad financial news...

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan .

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Next

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand-motherly types used to Come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Bullwinkle assassination

You know you're a Floridian if :

Socks are only for bowling.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.

You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

You dread love bug season.

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't HurricaneCharley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley , Frances , Ivan&n bsp;and Jeanne.

You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave..

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

'Down South' means Key West ..

Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee and Micanopy.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.

You recognize Miami-Dade as 'Northern Cuba .'

I'm sensing a theme here

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No!" she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes!" she replied .

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

Sad but true

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, dad?"To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March..............."

New dollar bill

Given what's happening with the economy these days, the Treasury Department has issued a new dollar bill . . .

Preview

Fairy tales

545

545 PEOPLE
By Charlie Reese

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered why, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered why, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred (100) Senators, 435 Congressmen, One President, Nine(9) Supreme Court justices = 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, Central Bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a Congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the President, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million people can not replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red.

If the Marines are in IRAQ, it's because they want them in IRAQ.

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way. There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like 'the economy,' 'inflation,' or 'politics' that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses, provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.

Date rape?

Kung fu symbology

Sparky likes the heave metal

Technology Students Mess with Dormitory Lights

Neat snowboard trick

Priceless again

I love Mr. Potato Head

Kitchen physics

me no know

Certainly sir.

Why Daisy?

Why not?

Really, REALLY grumpy old men.

Fiddle Vader

Ahhh.

I'm sensing a cat theme here lately.

If Batman had a cat...

It's Yoda the 4 eared cat.

Olympic champ

Showoff

Kiddie operations

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?' The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done When I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What areYou here for?' The first kid says, 'ACircumcision.' And the second kid says, 'Whoa, GoodLuck, buddy, I had that done when I wasBorn...................... Couldn't walk for a year.'

Bugger

Are pigs smart?

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take themto the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking abit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmerslived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, andfind a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmerwith the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the familystation wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirtymiles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know ifthey are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning,they're pregnant . If they're in the mud,they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off,loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife,"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud orin the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Oh honey, can we keep him?

Redneck tanktop

Makes my head hurt to think about it.

There's something about those sites...

Be careful when you name your company if you are planning a web site !!! All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their on line name might appear!

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than' Pen Island '. It can be found at:www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:www.powergenitalia.com

6.'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:www.speedofart.com

Awesome Obama speech

You've been Rick Rolled.

The Dark Knight - deleted scene

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WWII carrier action

Black & Gus

How cool is this?

Check it out.

Very cool right?

Silly Arab, gangstas R 4 da hood.

2001 explained

A space odyssey.

Now I get it.

Incident action plan

Is this your lost cat?

You just can't fix stupid.

A forward lass

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, 'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'

Cute or creepy?

Effect of high gas prices on Batman

Another freebie

Why didn't I think of that?

New internet dating site

Kind of niche market site. Check it out.

Hunting 911

Long snake

WWII POW escape helped by board game

Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British airmen found themselves as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the authorities were casting-about for ways and means to facilitate their escape. Now obviously, one of the most helpful aids to that end is a useful and accurate map, one showing not only where-stuff-was, but also showing the locations of 'safe houses', where a POW on-the-loose could go for food and shelter. Paper maps had some real drawbacks: They make a lot of noise when you open and fold them, they wear-out rapidly, And if they get wet, they turn into mush.

Someone in MI-5 got the idea of printing escape maps on silk. It's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny wads, and unfolded as many times as needed, and makes no noise what-so-ever. At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that had perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John Waddington, Ltd.

When approached by the government, the firm was only too happy to do its bit for the war effort.

By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the U.K. Licensee for the popular American board game, Monopoly. As it happened, 'games and pastimes' was a category of item qualified for insertion into 'CARE packages', dispatched by the International Red Cross, to prisoners of war.
Under the strictest of secrecy, in a securely guarded and inaccessible old workshop on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of sworn-to-secrecy employees began mass-producing escape maps, keyed to each region of Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps were located (Red Cross packages were delivered to prisoners in accordance with that same regional system). When processed, these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece.
As long as they were at it, the clever workmen at Waddington's also managed to add:1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass,2. A two-part metal file that could easily be screwed together.3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and French currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money!

British and American air-crews were advised, before taking off on their first mission, how to identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set ----- by means of a tiny red dot, one cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing glitch, located in the corner of the Free Parking square! Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS who successfully escaped, an estimated one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly sets. Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy Indefinitely, since the British Government might want to use this highly successful ruse in still another, future war.

The story wasn't de-classified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen from Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honoured in a public ceremony. Anyway, it's always nice when you can play that 'Get Out of Jail Free' card.

What happens when you overheat your mouse

I've sent sooo many e-mails that my mouse overheated. Check it out for yourself. This is what happens when you overuse your mouse:

Click HERE

Hard day

Shy guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Patience

One of the greatest secrets of life is having patience --- kinda like the song says,
"You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold'em, know when to walk away and know when to run."

Beach beasts

Paintball sentry

Tony Hawk is still killing it

Oh girl!

Nail Art

Interesting airport

Global Warming again

My buddy's living will

I, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers & doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Cabernet

Carol's shrimp

Margarita

Pizza

Vodka Seabreeze

Chicago Dog

Mimosa

Lemon Meringue Pie

Merlot

Burger

Sangria

BBQ

Pinot Noir

Chili

Bloody Mary

Enchiladas

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, "let the fat lady sing," and call it a day!

I think I've seen them all

I want one!

Check it out.

Construction

Nice pin

More info on ball girl video

See also "Sign her up" below.

http://web.minorleaguebaseball.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20080625&content_id=423063&vkey=news_milb&fext=.jsp

The earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Sidewalk chat

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

Sign her up

Ball Girl Makes Incredible Catch - Watch more free videos

Florida mosquito

Best milk comercial ever.

Are you smarter than a Chinese 2nd grader?

Click it.

I've fallen and I can't get up

There's this priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. But the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

It's obvious isn't it?

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?' Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again. Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. 'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A five-year-old boy shouted out, …

'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'

Akbank

He has an offer you can't refuse

Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case . . . ok'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'
Luigi : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

How not to shoot a gun

Selling Toyotas in Scotland

Pun-a-rama

It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the blogger who posted ten different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would his readers make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Bye bye

Stingray migration Key West

How high school changed my life

More old school Pinellas County

Went to the WLCY Star Spectaculars in the old Clearwater Auditorium
Kept every Thanksgiving night open so you could go to the Clearwater-Largo game.
Saw the Stones live at Jack Russell Stadium
Went to your school prom at the Jack Tar Harrison Hotel (now the hdqrts. for the Church of Scientology)
Hung out at the "Steps" at the foot of Turner St.
Met people on the "Spook Line"
Went to Clearwater Beach on Sat. afternoons to see Roy "Shy Guy" Nelson broadcast "10's Bandstand" live from the Pavilion
Followed the dirt road east at the intersection of Old Coachman and Belcher into the citrus grove at night with your fraternity brothers to have grapefruit fights against that semester's pledges.
Remember when the US19/Gulf-to-Bay intersection was governed by (1) stoplight. Extra credit if you ever rolled down your car window at night while stopped there to hear the peacocks at the farm on the SE parcel (before Clw. Mall was built) raising hell.
Chirped your tires when leaving curb service parking at the Steak-and-Shake at the corner of Duncan & Gulf-To-Bay.
Wanted to get your ass kicked on a Friday or Saturday night,you'd go to either Safety/Palm Harbor or Tarpon Springs
Wanted to get your ass kicked on ANY night,you'd go the the Gator Bar in the old Ulmer Arcade in downtown Largo
Same as above,but country/western style at the old Joyland on US19 in Pinellas Park.
Bought your best school clothes at either Fremacs,Colony Shops or Frank's.
Parked off the side of the road under the massive stand of Australian pines to get onto Clearwater Beach as there was no parking lot.
Watched Univ. of Tampa football at the original Tampa Stadium.
Had dinner at Herda's Steak House
Remember when 5-10K people would show up for the old Clearwater/Largo football game on Thanksgiving Night.
Hung out at the Milk Bar or the A&W on Clearwater-Largo Rd.
Had bar-b-q at the King Pig on Gulf-to-Bay.
Wanted to really impress your date and took her to the Glass Frogg on Clw. Beach
Skipped school to spend all day at the north end of Sand Key when it was still undeveloped with just woods and beach.
Spent Sat. afternoons as a kid at the matinee at the Capitol,Carib or Largo Theater.
Loved Biff-Burgers or What-a-Burgers

Old School Pinellas County

You know you're old-school Pinellas if...
You ever had Sunday dinner with your family at the Kapok Tree Inn restaurant.
You remember when Chief Charlie's had the best steaks in town.
You drove by the old rundown dump of a building called "World's Worst Pizza" on Gulf-to-Bay, before it became the home to the original Hooter's.
You went to the Brown Derby for prime rib…….and the salad bar was nice too.
Pier 60 had a pool.
If you remember Chick Smith Ford in "Sparkling Downtown Clearwater".
"Free wine, Free beer, Good Food, Good Cheer" at Brewmaster's.
If you remember the Allied Discount Tires guy yelling "Tiiiiiiires Ain’t purtty!"
When WFSO AM 570 was the only rock station you used to listen to.
When WQSR FM was known as "Quad 102 ½" and actually broadcasted in quadraphonic sound.
If you trusted Salty Sal Fleischman, Andy Hardy, Roy Leep and Hugh Smith to deliver the news, sports and weather.
If you remember when Gayle Sierens was the "sports chick" on Channel 8.
If you remember when US 19 had two lanes, and the traffic flowed even better then.
If you remember seeing incredible live bands at Skip's on Madeira Beach.
When G. David Howard was the only comedy show in town.
You went to Scotty's or Cox for all your hardware & lumber needs.
Art Grindal, for Bob Wilson Dodge.
Dr. Paul Bearer * Gordon Solie. * Hubert Rutland.
When you could read the Clearwater Sun & St. Pete's "The Independent", and on rainy days, they gave the newspapers away for free and opened up the paper boxes.
Lakeland Civic Center, Bayfront Center , Bishop Planetarium and Curtis Hixon Hall.
Boot Ranch when it was an actual ranch.
Every small city and beach town had their own police department.
You went to the Sky View, 28th St., Thunderbird & Garden drive-in movies and got bit by mosquitoes in sweltering heat watching horrible movies while eating cardboard pizza and sickeningly-sweet snow cones.
Lum's Hotdogs on 5 Ave. & one 4st at 38 ave.
Capogna's was where you went for Italian.
Busch Gardens when the admission was just $8.00
Driving over the old Skyway Bridge (It used to look like it went up into the clouds)
The old 2 lane bridge that led to the abandoned forest called Oldsmar.
Palm Harbor was farmland you drove by, on your way to Tarpon Springs.
East Lake " and "Countryside" were just roads, not entire districts.
Worlds Worst Pizza was also the 'Weeping Willow' Lounge.
Drive-thru Farm Stores [beer stores] were everywhere.
Oldsmar Drag Strip on Race Track Road .
If you remember: Burdines * Maas Brothers * Barnett Bank * 95YNF * Jeans Giant * Clearwater Mall * Sunshine Mall * Denim Den * Countryside Six Theaters * Wrestling with Gordon Solie * Saturday afternoon Creature Feature with Dr. Paul Bearer * Skyway Jack's * The Rowdies * Hugh Culverhouse * the Tampa Bay Bandits......
The Savoy Lounge * The Cock and Bull * The Surfer's Club
Eat/Meat sign at the SCL rail road hump 9th Ave N.
Changing the film in your Brownie camera in a fake hollow tree at Bush Gardens
The huge Bonfire sign on Redington
Gulf Blvd was only 4 lanes in front of the Tides and Howard Johnson’s
The "Clean Air Capital" billboard where the post office in Largo is
Patty the porpoise
The Porpoise Pub had a porpoise and sea lions
St. Pete. Beach had a curfew
We heard the top 40 hits on WLCY 2 to 3 weeks after they were released in NYC
Barney's was the only motorcycle dealer
The Gandy bridge, Indian Rocks bridge and Johns Pass were made of wood
The glass blower's shack on the Treasure Island side of John's Pass
The Sunday parties at the Red barn
The Electric Zoo
Jonny's do it yourself boat yard
The Cashmere Cat
The Pavilion in Indian Rocks Beach
Burger Chef and Sandy's
Lil Generals and 7-11 were open air
Cars used to run over rattle snakes that stretched across old Oakhurst Rd
St. Cloud was a general store with gas pumps
The who's who of Largo and Pinellas Park hung out at the feed store
Sears Town The old Dhume mansion Al Capone's cabin on Park St. Beer Can Beach (Sand Key) Skinks and chameleons Eckerd's sold Zig Zags for a nickel The Tierra Verde ferry The who's who of St Pete Beach hung out at the Oyster Shucker
Hulk Hogan played bass in a country rock band called Monarch
You went to the Sea Farer on Gandy for rock shrimp
Or the old blue crabber who lived out in the mangroves there
How could we forget Webb's City or Wolfie’s
And AC was a luxury

Letter from an Austin Texas woman to Proctor and Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the mo nth is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, a nd there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department th at, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bulls***. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

Ha ha - real funny

Rock & roll

I haven't heard of all of these, but I'm going to check them out.

Click it.

Shazaam!

Cat torture

Interesting experiment: cellphone vs microwave

OK, time for a surfing break

Check out these crazy PCs

CLICK

I don't think OSHA would approve

Redneck seafood dinner

I like the ending of this one

Redneck tree swing

Correspondence

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
-----------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of ourservice and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. Theonly mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann, Irish Railway Co.
------------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, in the bookof David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on hisass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on yourtrain in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

Tip of the day

A woman said her son found his license plate missing so he called the police to file a report. They told him people were stealing the plates to get free gas. Given the rise in gas prices, people have taken to stealing license plates, putting them on their car, then getting gas and running. The gas station will have "your" license plate # and you could be in trouble for "pump and run." Check your car periodically to be sure you still have a plate. If you should find it missing, file a report immediately!!! Keep an eye on your license plate! Make sure you always know it's there! When the license plate is reported as the "dri ve of f vehicle", it's YOU they contact! Be aware!!!! Be aware of your license plates, most of us never look to see if the plates are there or not.

With apologies to my Catholic friends

New German pope makes some changes.

The new Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the Hell alone!

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the best time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, just miss a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

11. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back into your pocket.

12. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

13. Duct tape is like "The Force" in Star Wars -- it has a light side, a dark side and holds the universe together.

14. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. AND FINALLY .

15. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night