Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Difficult and impossible words.

WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
 
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Indubitably
 
WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
 
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
 
WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
 
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. I’m not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
 

Dinner party chatter

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.


All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.


The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.


I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.


Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"


Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.


The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

 The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."


He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"


 Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…


"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.


"Well I am in the bar next to that."

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Low man on the totem pole

All of the nine senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the sole junior member, was left sitting outside.


Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around the board table. He was invited to join them, which of course he did.


As soon as he sat down, the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eyes, and with a stern voice, asked, Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?


Oh, no sir!, positively not! Bob replied. Are you absolutely sure? asked the chairman.


Honest, I have never even been close enough to touch her! You swear to that?


Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime or anywhere.


"Good, then you fire her!"

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Fee transparency

A man goes to a lawyer and asks, " What do you charge?"

The lawyer replies, "One hundred dollars for three questions."


The man says, "Isn't that kind of steep?"


The lawyer says, "Yes it is." "What is your third question?"

Irish Capacity for Drink

Several weeks ago, I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland, when a group of American tourists came in. One of the men said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who had left earlier, returned and yelled, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "So pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?' 
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Good dead of the day

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.


And she was upset. 


'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!


I'm leaving you.


I want a divorce right away!' 


And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'


'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' 


And the husband began...


'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.


I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.


So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.


Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.


Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.


I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.


I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'


The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Pub fishing

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish Pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

Fishing replied the old man.
Poor old bugger thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, and how many have you caught today?
You’re the eighth.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Where you live matters

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit.

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, W.Va., Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Missouri, Wisconsin, Tennessee, Kentucky, Florida and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas; he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Truck driver debate

A loud-mouth German lorry driver in a Newcastle pub is loudly denigrating British truck drivers for being lazy and incompetent. Whereas he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and is back in Hamburg in just two days.

This old Geordie looks up from his pint and mutters, "Ah, wye ay man, I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop it off in Hamburg and be back in time for a fish and chips supper the same day."


The gobby German trucker asked, " Oh yah, vot rig ver you driving zen?"

After taking a long swig of his pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied, “Lancaster Bomber mate.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Explanation of the crisis in Greece

A small town in Italy is twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town.
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there?
The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

Soon after, the Italian visited the Greek town.
He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous.


When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied; "No."

Friday, July 24, 2015

TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR SOUTHERN BOYS SAY:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh I wouldn’t dare; she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.
26. We don't keep no guns in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a sh** who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too damn big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima iced down for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate!
6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite football team.
3. Youse Guys.
2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Hillary Campaign.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

So... Not "a cunning plan Captain Blackadder"..!!!

Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"

Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes Sir"

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?".

Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".

Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"


Blackadder : "It was bollocks".

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Domestic disturbance

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant . 
            
"Hello, Sarge" 

 
"Yes?" 

 
"It looks like we have a homicide here. 

 
"What happened? " 


"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor
she had just mopped." 


"Have you placed her under arrest? " 


  "No sir. The floor is still wet. "
                                

Friday, July 3, 2015

The wife's birthday

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. 

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .. 

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to “Adventure World” theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake. 

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favorite lollies, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. 

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 

'I meant my dress size, you @*#*! moron!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

The ex-wife

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman:  How much do you pay per beer?

Man:  $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:  So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:  Correct

Woman:  If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:  Correct

Woman:  Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Mercedes?

Man:  Do you drink beer?

Woman:  No

Man:  Where's your Mercedes?

Monday, June 22, 2015

Mayberry

Why was Mayberry so peaceful? Because hardly anyone was married!


Here are the single people: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, and Clara.


In fact, the only one who was married was Otis and he stayed drunk.


Is there a lesson here?

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Whiskey

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):

"If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it."

Friday, April 24, 2015

Not racist

I was standing at a bar in Terminal 3 of an international airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. 
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?
He says "No, why the f--- you ask me that? Is it because I Chinese?"

"No", I said, ”It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!"

Monday, March 23, 2015

Investment by the Wife:

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news….”

The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Monday, February 16, 2015

New details on Bin Laden

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

A TOUCHING STORY WITH A GREAT MORAL ENDING

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My eight-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I
heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

So after I assured him that he had done a terrific job and
that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know
that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the
woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her: "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!"


Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Healthy sleep tip



Treat yourself to a healthy imported wine

A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE TURNING IN

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors , I kid you not.....

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,
Have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.


It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as:


PINO MORE

Sunday, February 8, 2015

New stores

A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third-floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Homeland

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb  some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oh, my," said the  father, What have I done?"

He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.
Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
                                         
Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do.
                                            
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. 
                                         
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....​

Sunday, January 25, 2015

The cabby witness



A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. 
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back,
and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Baseball season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

Sunday, January 4, 2015

The Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'  Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Just a wee bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided that he had a responsibility to marry a perfect woman so that they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With this as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous-looking daughters who positively took his breath away.


So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you’ve come to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ....... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell ......... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry!!"

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified; the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you could imagine!


He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well", explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ............. pregnant when you met her."