Thursday, February 18, 2010

St. Patty's day countdown

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."


The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Religious IT humor

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports..
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell...
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work...
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said..
JESUS SAVES

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

50 bucks is 50 bucks!

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'


The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars..'  Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'


Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know...

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'