What is that?

Click image to enlarge.

The Couch

Photos taken at the Shamattawa Dump in Manitoba, Canada

Now, where the HELL is the remote?

TSA

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Quack

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that, " says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. “With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says …

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!"

Hostess

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how It was split up.

The State Department hired all the Twinkies...

The Secret Service hired all the HoHos...

The generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes...

And the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

Irish funeral

Paddy Died. His Will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Paddy would be pleased," she said.

"You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"So go on, how much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."
"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"
Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church.
The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary computed quickly.

"For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone?
How big is it?"

 

A pronounced lack of awareness

A union captain walks into a bar next door to a factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate the union's victory and not realizing that the factory would have to close soon.  When he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union captain.

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union captain asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Dogs and daylight savings time.

Striptease on the street.

This just in

Bill Clinton has asked Paula Broadwell to write his biography.

Important health advice

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you feel may benefit!

Knowledge and Wisdom

Family problems

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

 

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

From my amiga in Costa Rica

Those that drink alcohol are alcoholics.
Those that drink Fanta are fantastic.

Invasion of the USA

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat, rowing towards California.

"The captain gets on the loud hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"

One of the Mexicans stands up and shouts, "We are invading the United States!"

The crew of the destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud hailer and says, "Just the four of you?"

The Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four, the rest are already there!"

Toughest bridge in the world

Hot new body piercing for women

Women are Angels

And when someone breaks their wings,
they simply continue to fly...usually on a broomstick.
They're flexible like that.

How they got their name

How engineers came up with a name for them.

Legal and logical

A law student had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy.

He questioned the professor and decided to make a deal with him...

Student: Professor, do you consider yourself to know everything about law?

Professor: Absolutely, otherwise I would not be capable of standing in front of you and lecturing you on the subject.

Student: If you can answer this question, I will agree with you and accept my final examination marks, if you cannot, you will have to give me an "A".

The professor laughed over it but agreed.

Student: What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal and neither legal nor logical?

The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer. He had to finally give up as he really did not know.

He gave the boy an 'A'.

The following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with this unknown mystery and decided to pose the question to his students.

Professor: Class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal and neither legal nor logical?

He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.

He pointed out one student and waited...

The student: Sir, you are 65 years old, married to a 28-year-old woman, this is legal but not logical. Your wife, is having an affair with a 23-year-old boy, this is logical but not legal. Your wife's boyfriend has failed his exam and yet you have given him an 'A', that is neither logical nor legal.

Men and women

John Denver golf song

Ole and the 12 pack

A Texan walks into a bar in Minnesota and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Minnesotans are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 dollars to anybody in here who can drink 12 bottles of beer back-to-back."

The room is quiet ... no one takes up the Texan's offer.

Ole get up and leaves. Thirty minutes later Ole shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Ole.

The Texan says, "Yes" and asks the bartender to line up 12 bottles of beer .

Immediately Ole tears into all 12 of the bottles drinking them all back-to-back.

The other bar patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives Ole the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

Ole replies, "Oh, I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first."

Yeah, this reminds me of someone...

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too.
But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making: Who else but a Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you perhaps know of a Pulletician called Jacob?

Joggers

Cosplay FAIL



Click pic to enlarge.

Bob is a Racist!

First picture from Mars

Click pic to enlarge.

Expert prognostications

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
-- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."

"The bomb will never go off.  I speak as an expert in explosives."
- - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone'has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,"
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible,"
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,"
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,"
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,"
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this,"
- - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy,"
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,"
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France .

"Everything that can be invented has been invented,"
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required."
-- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
-- Col. Watson, the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,"
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

And last but not least...
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Well...I never knew that.

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right!  And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
         
Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'
         
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US ,  Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love.'
         
Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
         
Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing,he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.
         
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously.  When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A:Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light In the theatre,a performer 'in the limelight'  was the centre of attention.

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
         
Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl,Louis, King of France , learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned  (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.. In French, the word cadet is pronounced  'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
         
Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

So there you are!  Now you know!

Facebook Fail

 

Duck Season

 

Stayin' Alive

AMA'S REACTION - OBAMA CARE COURT DECISION

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up !" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing & the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington

Parking problems

Boredom at the airport

 

Mrs. Doubtfire recut

Uncle Drew can ball!

Iceburg flips over

New rules for Secret Service

The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents:

They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.

Agents who feel compelled to engage in such behavior should take a leave of absence and run for public office.

GPS

I have a little GPS

It sits there in my car

A GPS is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are 

I have a little GPS

I've had it all my life

It does more than the normal one

My GPS is my wife  

It gives me full instructions

On exactly how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour" it says

"And you're doing thirty five"  

It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake  

It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene  

It lists the vehicles just in front

It lists those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear  

I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice  

It fills me up with counseling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?  

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house

Makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things

And - keeps me warm in bed!

English humour

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best -

Right at the end of the programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games - the cheapest £60 and £100 per game is common.

 An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstile (it was probably West Ham United or Queen's Park Rangers) to be told "That will be 10 Quid Mate".

"What!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"

 The guy on the turnstile said ............ "Not for 45 minutes each way you wouldn't - And a brass band in the Interval!"

Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

OBL rumor

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years.  It is now believed that he called the US Navy Seals himself.

Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Feed it

An old Cherokee told his grandson "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all.  One is Evil.  It is anger, jealousy, greed,resentment, inferiority, lies & ego. 

The other it is good.  It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy & truth."

The boy thought about it & asked, "Which wolf wins?" 

The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."

Blah blah blah

Social network tip

Due to the large number of jobs moving from California to Texas,
the Lone Star State has compiled a “Californian to Texan” translation guide.

CALIFORNIA                          TEXAS

Arsenal of Weapons                  Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands                     Swamp

Undocumented Worker             Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials              Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery                   Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed                          Well-protected

Narrow-minded                         Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share          Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control      Gun Confiscation
                                                         plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives     Fireworks for
                                                       Stump Removal

Nonviable Tissue Mass               Unborn Baby

Equal Access to Opportunity       Socialism

Multicultural Community             High Crime Area

Coughdrop mandate

In the news: Catholic health care.

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.  The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.  A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.  She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Wheeee!

Ironic

Isn't It Ironic?

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL

A young boy enters a premium proprietary computer and electronics store and the customer service rep whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you.'  The rep puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.  'What did I tell you?' said the rep.  'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says ; 'Hey, son!  May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied,  'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you, constable... is this what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "this is what we call the French Embassy."

British Airways alternative commercial

 

Prepare for the worst

---
The wife has been missing a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I've been to the Salvation Army shop to get all her clothes back.

New girlfriend

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

You knew they were coming!

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks.

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks.

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?- Follow the captain.

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

The captain says he is not guilty of manslaughter. He has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wrecked, and ready to go down.

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.