2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says,'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

Riverdance dog - because you don't need hands

Ah ha!

I wish I could eat donuts

FISHING TRIP WITH JACK DANIELS

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Ice cream vendor Istanbul Turkey

Stimulus payment

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China·
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.·
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India. ·
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. ·
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea. ·
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. ·
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales
2 going to ball games
3 spending it on prostitutes
4 spending it on beer
5 Getting a tattoo(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US)

Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

Squirrel obstacle course

Your turn