You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."
In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit.
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Virginia, W.Va., Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Missouri, Wisconsin, Tennessee, Kentucky, Florida and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."
And in Texas; he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."
A loud-mouth German lorry driver in a Newcastle pub is loudly denigrating British truck drivers for being lazy and incompetent. Whereas he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and is back in Hamburg in just two days.
This old Geordie looks up from his pint and mutters, "Ah, wye ay man, I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop it off in Hamburg and be back in time for a fish and chips supper the same day."
The gobby German trucker asked, " Oh yah, vot rig ver you driving zen?"
After taking a long swig of his pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied, “Lancaster Bomber mate.
A small town in Italy is twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town.
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there?
The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
Soon after, the Italian visited the Greek town.
He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous.
When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied; "No."
31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh I wouldn’t dare; she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.
26. We don't keep no guns in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a sh** who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too damn big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima iced down for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate!
6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite football team.
3. Youse Guys.
2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Hillary Campaign.
Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes Sir"
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?".
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"
Blackadder : "It was bollocks".
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant .
"Hello, Sarge"
"Yes?"
"It looks like we have a homicide here.
"What happened? "
"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor
she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest? "
"No sir. The floor is still wet. "
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