Why was Mayberry so peaceful? Because hardly anyone was married!
Here are the single people: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, and Clara.
In fact, the only one who was married was Otis and he stayed drunk.
Is there a lesson here?
Monday, June 22, 2015
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Whiskey
In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):
"If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.
However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it."
"If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.
However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it."
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Friday, April 24, 2015
Not racist
I was standing at a bar in
Terminal 3 of an international airport when this small Chinese guy comes in,
stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know
any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?
He says "No, why the f--- you ask
me that? Is it because I Chinese?"
"No", I said, ”It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!"
"No", I said, ”It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!"
Monday, March 23, 2015
Investment by the Wife:
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news….”
The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.”
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.”
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
Monday, February 16, 2015
New details on Bin Laden
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and never left the house for 5 years.
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
A TOUCHING STORY WITH A GREAT MORAL ENDING
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My eight-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I
heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
So after I assured him that he had done a terrific job and
that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know
that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the
woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her: "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!"
Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
My eight-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I
heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
So after I assured him that he had done a terrific job and
that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know
that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the
woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her: "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!"
Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
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