Fishing

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Air Force Base.  A ragged old Army Aviator was standing near the edge with a fishing rod … his line in the puddle.

A curious young Air Force fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old guy simply said.

'Poor old fool,' the Air Force officer thought and he invited the ragged old aviator into the pub for a drink. 

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the haughty fighter pilot asked, "And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth,' the old Army Aviator answered.

Complete and Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words...

Complete and Finish

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was:..

How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer....

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,

....and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are....

COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

Feeling safe at home

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, FBI, CIA and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.

Oh by the way the beard is coming along nicely.

Irish birthday tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they 'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy 's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .. "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why an 't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy 's, troubled blue eyes and said... "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya daft fool!

Video Will

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:


"My son Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."


"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."


"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."


The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the jerk had a paper route!"

The optomist

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how  horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. 

 On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did
you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"


"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." 


"How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it
have been worse?"


"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d
be dead now!"

Truisms

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.


2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.


3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.


4. Breaking News... Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.


5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.