Uncle Drew can ball!

Iceburg flips over

New rules for Secret Service

The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents:

They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.

Agents who feel compelled to engage in such behavior should take a leave of absence and run for public office.

GPS

I have a little GPS

It sits there in my car

A GPS is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are 

I have a little GPS

I've had it all my life

It does more than the normal one

My GPS is my wife  

It gives me full instructions

On exactly how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour" it says

"And you're doing thirty five"  

It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake  

It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene  

It lists the vehicles just in front

It lists those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear  

I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice  

It fills me up with counseling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?  

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house

Makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things

And - keeps me warm in bed!

English humour

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best -

Right at the end of the programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games - the cheapest £60 and £100 per game is common.

 An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstile (it was probably West Ham United or Queen's Park Rangers) to be told "That will be 10 Quid Mate".

"What!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"

 The guy on the turnstile said ............ "Not for 45 minutes each way you wouldn't - And a brass band in the Interval!"

Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

OBL rumor

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years.  It is now believed that he called the US Navy Seals himself.