Mental exercise

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinski
2. Bill Clinton
3. Hillary Clinton
4. Adolph Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5?

You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope . . .

Lovely, just lovely!

It's almost football season

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football"
- John Heisman

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
– Bear Bryant/Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!”
- Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any."
– Erik Russell/Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
- Lou Holtz/Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts." 
- Joe Namath/Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." 
- Frank Leahy/Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
- Woody Hayes/Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.”
- Bob Devaney/Nebraska

"In Alabama,an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.”
- Wally Butts/Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
– Alex Karras/Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.”
- Bowden Wyatt/Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."
- Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
- Shug Jordan/Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me." He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."
- Walt Garrison/Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
- Bobby Bowden/Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport."
- Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them."
- John McKay/USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”
- Murray Warmath/Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
- Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
- Darrell Royal/Texas

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.”
- John McKay/USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.”
- Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Florida State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."The other looked up in the sky and said,"Where?"

What do you say to a University of Georgia football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."

If three Arkansas football players are in the same car, who is driving? 
The police officer.

How can you tell if an Old Miss football player has a girlfriend? There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Mississippi State cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kentucky football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former Miami football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

1956 Chevy

The proud owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet convertible, wrote to say he had restored the car to perfection over the last few years, and sent this......
 
On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town.  It needed gas, as the gauge was practically on empty, but he wanted ice cream, so he headed first to his favorite ice cream shop.
 
He had trouble finding a parking space and had to park the car down a side street.   He noticed a group of young guys standing around smoking cigarettes and eyeing my car rather covetously.  He was a bit uneasy leaving it there, but people often take interest in such an old and well-preserved car, so he went off to enjoy his ice cream.

The line at the ice cream shop was long and it took him quite a while to return to his car.  When he did, his worst fears were realized… his car was gone.

He called the police and reported the theft and then went back and bought a quart of pistachio ice cream.  About ten minutes later the police called him to say they had found the car abandoned near a gas station a few miles out of town.

It was unharmed and he was relieved.  It seems just before he called, the police had received a call from a young woman who was an employee at a self-service gas station.  She told them that three young men had driven in with this beautiful old convertible.  One of them came to the window and prepaid for 20 dollars-worth of gas.

Then all three of them walked around the car, looking at it carefully, and then just walked away…….without filling the tank.

The question is, why would anybody steal a car, pay for gas that they never pumped, and then abandon the car later and walk away?

 
Answer: They couldn't find where to put the gas!

 

Cool

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Breakfast in bed

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need ... not all this, "How did you get into my house?" business.

Therapy

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Robe distance

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

Another classic

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow.”

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"

Mick says, "Well I couldn't walk for about a year.”

The Scotsman and the Englishman

 An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. 

Come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.

Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'"

The Scotsman is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 o’clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very
full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The Englishman just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the Scotsman adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

New border crisis

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign has prompted an exodus of left leaning US Citizens who fear they'll be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.

 

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and green energy proponents crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold and hungry, and asked if I could spare a latte and a free-range chicken. When I said I had neither, he left before I could show him my screenplay, eh?"

 

To stop the illegals, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers blaring Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who pack liberals into electric cars, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves when the batteries die.

 

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."

 

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

 

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing. Some disguise themselves as senior citizens taking bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed seniors about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on Lawrence Welk, we become very suspicious," an official said.

 

Canadians have complained that the illegals are creating shortages of organic broccoli, Barbara Streisand CD's and Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't handle them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history or political science majors can one country support?"

Yorkshire logic

The couple had been happily married and living on their farm for more than fifty years when, sadly, Gladys passed away. When informed of the cost of an obituary the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?”  He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple" he explained. “My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wun't ‘ave wanted owt swanky."

“Perhaps a small poem?” suggested the woman at the desk.

"Nay, lass" he said. "She wun't ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da.  Just put:- ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died'.”

"You need to say when she died," he was told by the receptionist

"Do I?  Well, then put 'Died 17th December 2015'.  That’ll do."

"It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed, sir."

The man considered for a moment.  "Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’  That’ll do," he said.

"You can have another four words" the woman explained.

"No, no lass!" he cried. "She wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out like that."

“The words are included in the price. You've already paid for them," the woman informed him.

"Are they?  I’ve already paid for ‘em?"

"Yes, sir, indeed you have."

"Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em," exclaimed the man, "I’m ‘avin’ ‘em then!"

The obituary was duly printed. "Gladys Braithwaite. Died 17th December 2015. Sadly missed. Also, tractor for sale."