Hunting dog

Glenn sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in  
the pond. "If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting"

The dog comes back and barks twice. Glenn says "Well, I'm
not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".
Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?"

Glenn says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the       
road. If you want one, you can get one from him".

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the
one his friend Glenn has.

The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in
its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says
"This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him
that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came
back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started
humping his leg.

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell
you there are more f***ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.

Telephone pole installers

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and  a team of  two Irish guys.
 
 So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!"

Irish brothel

Three Irishmen were sitting in the pub window seat watching the front door of the brothel over the road.


The local Methodist pastor appeared, and quickly went inside. "Would you look at that!" said the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appeared at the door, Knocked, and entered. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continued drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

When they see their own Catholic priest knocks on the door.  "Ah, now dat's sad,"said the third Irishman.

“One of the girls must have died...”

Animal abuse

A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"


"Yeah," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"


"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."


"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully secured with seat belts, and off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."


"Yes, I know," said the blonde, "and I did. They loved it, and we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

Sports talk

Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road.  My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach


"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch."
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver (A Fresno boy)


"I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the  same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect."
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer

"All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy  doing okay. Bring me another beer.'"
- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
 
"When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers;
I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver


"I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the  people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them."
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager


"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget."
- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
 
"My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth,  you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good."
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor


"When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball.  They did but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax's."
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery

"I don't know. I only played there for nine years."
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost."
- John Breen, Houston Oilers

"The film looks suspiciously like the game itself."
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
 
"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo."
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
 
"I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the  knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats."
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner


"Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day."
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
 
"I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the  third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball."
- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach


"I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday."
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
 
  "I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George.'"
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
 
"I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the  operation on someone else, not you."
- Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers
 
"Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash."
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.
 
"The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have  to watch the films on Sunday."
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
 
Two favorites are: Hugh "Duffy" Daugherty when asked if he had any superstitions:
"Only superstition I have is that it's bad luck to be behind at the end of the game!"
and of course, John McKay, after a pathetic loss by his Tampa Bay Buccaneers
when asked to comment on his team's execution: "I'm in favor of it..."
 
Finally, Vince Lombardi's observation, "Football isn't a contact sport.
Football is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."