Hostess

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how It was split up.

The State Department hired all the Twinkies...

The Secret Service hired all the HoHos...

The generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes...

And the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

Irish funeral

Paddy Died. His Will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Paddy would be pleased," she said.

"You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"So go on, how much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."
"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"
Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church.
The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary computed quickly.

"For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone?
How big is it?"

 

A pronounced lack of awareness

A union captain walks into a bar next door to a factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate the union's victory and not realizing that the factory would have to close soon.  When he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union captain.

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union captain asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Dogs and daylight savings time.

Striptease on the street.

This just in

Bill Clinton has asked Paula Broadwell to write his biography.

Important health advice

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you feel may benefit!

Knowledge and Wisdom

Family problems

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

 

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

From my amiga in Costa Rica

Those that drink alcohol are alcoholics.
Those that drink Fanta are fantastic.

Invasion of the USA

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat, rowing towards California.

"The captain gets on the loud hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"

One of the Mexicans stands up and shouts, "We are invading the United States!"

The crew of the destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud hailer and says, "Just the four of you?"

The Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four, the rest are already there!"

Toughest bridge in the world

Hot new body piercing for women