Ironic

Isn't It Ironic?

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL

A young boy enters a premium proprietary computer and electronics store and the customer service rep whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you.'  The rep puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.  'What did I tell you?' said the rep.  'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says ; 'Hey, son!  May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied,  'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you, constable... is this what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "this is what we call the French Embassy."

British Airways alternative commercial

 

Prepare for the worst

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The wife has been missing a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I've been to the Salvation Army shop to get all her clothes back.

New girlfriend

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

You knew they were coming!

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks.

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks.

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?- Follow the captain.

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

The captain says he is not guilty of manslaughter. He has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wrecked, and ready to go down.

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.