Let us pray together. We are forgiven.

Priorities

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbeancruiseand proceeds to have the time of his life - until he fell overboard.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no otherpeople, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when themost gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landedhere when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash upwith you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materialfound on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; wove the bottom from palmbranches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools orhardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island,there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is astone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines'strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckonsfor him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!

"You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch the Steeler game from here?"

Masher

Phases of the moon

Visit to the museum

For you folks who have trouble parking

Praise the Lord

The Pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Telephones in church

A man from Topeka Kansas , decided to write a book about, "churches". . .

He started, by flying to San Francisco and started working east. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He saw a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read, "Calls: $10,000 a minute". Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Denver , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , and around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in Tennessee , upon entering a church in Elizabethton, TN, behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the sign read calls: 35 cents.'

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "son", you're in the south now. This is,"God's country", It's a local call.'

Cold - part 2

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

'Today, I am going to create a land called Indiana.’

It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; a land of beautiful lakes full of fish. It shall have tall trees, flowing rivers, landscapes full of flowers, tall grass, beautiful blue skies, majestic eagles, forests full of many kinds of wildlife, rich farmland, wonderful people and they will be great at basketball' God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper and they shall be known as friendly people who practice being 'Hoosier Nice' every day.'

'But Lord,' asked Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too generous to these Hoosiers?'

'Not really,' replied God 'just wait and see the winters I am going to give them.'

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING. . . . . . .

65 above zero:Floridians turn on the heat.People in Minnesota plant gardens.
60 above zero:Californians shiver uncontrollably.People in Minnesota sunbathe.
50 above zero:Italian & English cars won't start.People in Minnesota drive with the windowsdown.
40 above zero:Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves,wool hats.People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
35 above zero:New York landlords finally turn up the heat.People in Minnesota have the last cookoutbefore it gets cold.
20 above ZeroPeople in Miami all die.Minnesotans close the windows.
Zero:Californians fly away to Mexico .People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
10 below zero:Hollywood disintegrates.The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are sellingcookies door to door.
20 below zero:Washington DC runs out of hot air.People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.
30 below zero:Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.Minnesotans get upset because they can'tstart the Snow-mobile.
40 below zero:ALL atomic motion stops.People in Minnesota start saying...'Coldenough fer ya?'
50 below zero:Hell freezes over.Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late

Observations on military safety

1. "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you
2. "Cluster bombing from B52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
3. "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
4. "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
5. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
6. "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
7. "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
8. "When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
9. "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot messes up, the pilot dies; If ATC messes up ... the pilot dies."
10. "Never trade luck for skill."
11. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh NO!"
12. "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
13. "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
14. "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
15. "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; It can just barely kill you."

Jamaican sandals

A married couple walked in to a souvenir store in Jamaica . The Jamaican man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"

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