Next

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand-motherly types used to Come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Bullwinkle assassination

You know you're a Floridian if :

Socks are only for bowling.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.

You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

You dread love bug season.

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't HurricaneCharley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley , Frances , Ivan&n bsp;and Jeanne.

You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave..

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

'Down South' means Key West ..

Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee and Micanopy.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.

You recognize Miami-Dade as 'Northern Cuba .'

I'm sensing a theme here

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No!" she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes!" she replied .

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

Sad but true

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, dad?"To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March..............."

New dollar bill

Given what's happening with the economy these days, the Treasury Department has issued a new dollar bill . . .

Preview

Fairy tales

545

545 PEOPLE
By Charlie Reese

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered why, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered why, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred (100) Senators, 435 Congressmen, One President, Nine(9) Supreme Court justices = 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, Central Bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a Congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the President, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million people can not replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red.

If the Marines are in IRAQ, it's because they want them in IRAQ.

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way. There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like 'the economy,' 'inflation,' or 'politics' that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses, provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.

Date rape?

Kung fu symbology

Sparky likes the heave metal