Monday, March 31, 2008

Pickup Line . .

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

Monday, March 24, 2008

Comparing notes

Three women are chatting about their relationships. One is engaged, one married, and one a mistress. They decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style,stiletto's and mask over their eyes .

After a few days the three met again. The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home,he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettos and mask. He saw me and said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night.

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:"Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"

On the beach

A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes!" he replied………

"She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!"

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Difficult when drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Bourd magician



And you thought you were bored. This magician is really bored. Good trick tho.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Ah, that would explain the coincidence.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky the Pro walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and
mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone dri nk for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person.

BUYAGRAInjectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Murdering golfer

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man, answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five...maybe six ...put me down for a five."

Why I was fired...

For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person...

Why I got fired

I was fired for ordering the cups.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

It's a mystery.

Can you solve the mystery?

Roger Clemens dog

Roger Clemens Dog

It must be getting close to St. Patty's Day

Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.

"No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Thick Irish accent asked "What are you selling' here." One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes.

"Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well ... Only two left!"

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish

Monday, March 3, 2008

Graveside service

When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more lightning.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

'Well, she's there.'

Pregnant 63 year old woman.

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young newdoctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An olderdoctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 yearsold, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you toldher she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking upsaid: "Does she still have the hiccups??"

Redneck mansion