HOW TO RECOGNIZE A PERSIAN CAT!!!

Way too literal

Keep in mind this actually did happen. This is someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.

So this is how I imagine this conversation went: Wal -mart Employee: "Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I hep you?"

Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."

Wal-mart Employee: "What you want on the cake?"

Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that "We will miss you".

It never ends...

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them.

As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

Sex offenders in your neighborhood?

http://www.familywatchdog.us/

When you visit this site you can enter your address and a map will pop up with your house as a small icon of a house. There will be red, blue and green dots surrounding your entire neighborhood. When you click on these dots a picture of a criminal will appear with his or her home address and the description of the crime he or she has committed. The best thing is that you can show your children these pictures and see how close these people live to your home or school. This site was developed by John Walsh from Americas Mo st Wanted. This is another tool we can use to help us keep our kids safe.

Dude! You're freakin' me out!

If you look at the above images from your seat in front of the computer, Mr. Angry is on the left, and Ms.Calm is on the right.

Get up from your seat, and move back 12 feet, and PRESTO they switch places!!

It is said this illusion was created by Phillippe G.Schyns and Aude Oliva of the University of Glasgow.

Does this prove that we sometimes may not be seeing what's actually there?

This new technology is hard!

Screencleaner

Newest PC utility.

Thought for the day

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it.

Piss on it and walk away.

The Cruelest Eye Test for Old Men

FYI

If you have any friends or relatives that don't normally file a tax return, you may want to suggest that they file this year so that they can get their rebate. These would inclule folks who receive Social Security or veteran's benefits.

I have included info on how to handle this on my website. I'm sure you all have it bookmarked in your favorite places, but, just in case...

http://www.millsandmahon.com/

Click on the Tax Tips link and click the links under Rebates. Enlightenment awaits and your friends or relative will thank you.

Good luck.

How cold is it?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.

Few land lubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you?

Kilroy

Who the heck was KILROY??

KILROY WAS HERE!

In 1946 the American Transit Association, through its radio program, 'Speak to America,' sponsored a nationwide contest to find the REAL Kilroy, offering a prize of a real trolley car to the person who could prove himself to be the genuine article.

Almost 40 men stepped forward to make that claim, but only James Kilroy from Halifax, Massachusetts had evidence of his identity.

Kilroy was a 46-year old shipyard worker during the war. He worked as a checker at the Fore River Shipyard in Quincy. His job was to go around and check on the number of rivets completed. Riveters were on piecework and got paid by the rivet.

Kilroy would count a block of rivets and put a check mark in semi-waxed lumber chalk, so the rivets wouldn't be counted twice. When Kilroy went off duty, the riveters would erase the mark.

Later on, an off-shift inspector would come through and count the rivets a second time, resulting in double pay for the riveters.

One day Kilroy's boss called him into his office. The foreman was upset about all the wages being paid to riveters, and asked him to investigate. It was then that he realized what had been going on.

The tight spaces he had to crawl in to check the rivets didn't lend themselves to lugging around a paint can and brush, so Kilroy decided to stick with the waxy chalk. He continued to put his checkmark on each job he inspected, but added KILROY WAS HERE in king-sized letters next to the check, and eventually added the sketch of the chap with the long nose peering over the fence and that became part of the Kilroy message. Once he did that, the riveters stopped trying to wipe away his marks.

Ordinarily the rivets and chalk marks would have been covered up with paint. With war on, however, ships were leaving the Quincy Yard so fast that there wasn't time to paint them.

As a result, Kilroy's inspection 'trademark' was seen by thousands of servicemen who boarded the troopships the yard produced. His message apparently rang a bell with the servicemen, because they picked it up and spread it all over Europe and the South Pacific. Before the war's end, 'Kilroy' had been here, there, and everywhere on the long haul to Berlin and Tokyo.

To the unfortunate troops outbound in those ships, however, he was a complete mystery; all they knew for sure was that some jerk named Kilroy had 'been there first.' As a joke, U.S. servicemen began placing the graffiti wherever they landed, claiming it was already there when they arrived.

Kilroy became the U.S. super-GI who had always 'already been' wherever GIs went. It became a challenge to place the logo in the most unlikely places imaginable (it is said to be atop Mt. Everest, the Statue of Liberty, the underside of the Arch De Triumphe, and even scrawled in the dust on the moon.)

And as the war went on, the legend grew. Underwater demolition teams routinely sneaked ashore on Japanese-held islands in the Pacific to map the terrain for the coming invasions by U.S. troops (and thus, presumably, were the first GI's there). On one occasion, however, they reported seeing enemy troops painting over the Kilroy logo! In 1945, an outhouse was built for the exclusive use of Roosevelt! ! , Stalin, and Churchill at the Potsdam conference.

The first person inside was Stalin, who emerged and asked his aide (in Russian), 'Who is Kilroy?' ...

To help prove his authenticity in 1946, James Kilroy brought along officials from the shipyard and some of the riveters. He won the trolley car, which he gave it to his nine children as a Christmas gift and set it up as a playhouse in the Kilroy front yard in Halifax, Massachusetts

They call me "Lucky"

Valentine's Day hangover

Hearts and Roses and Kisses galore,
What the hell is all that crap for?
People get mushy and start acting queer,
Its definitely the most annoying day of the year....
This day needs to get the hell over and pass,
Before I shove something up Cupids a**!
I'll spend the day so DRUNK I can't speak,
And wear black the rest of the week.
Guys act all sweet, but soon it will fade,
For all they are doing is trying to get laid...
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Cause I think this love thing is a crock of spit!
So, here's my story.... What else can I say?
Love bites my a**.... Screw Valentines Day!!!

Valentine's Day

There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect.

G. K. Chesterton

Do you know your brands?

Take the test.

Patience

AN OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON. THE TODDLER WAS CRYING, AND AT TIMES, SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.

AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD HEAR HIM SPEAKING IN A SOFT VOICE..."WE ARE ALMOST DONE, LYLE...TRY NOT TO CRY, LYLE... LIFE WILL GET BETTER, LYLE..."

AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED THE TODDLER'S TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAID AGAIN,"TRY NOT TO CRY, LYLE... WE WILL BE HOME SOON, LYLE..."

HE WAS PAYING THE CASHIER, WHILE THE TODDLER CONTINUED TO CRY AS A YOUNG WOMAN IN LINE BEHIND HIM SAID, "SIR, I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE BEING TO YOUR LITTLE LYLE."

THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE SAYING,
"MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN........ I'M LYLE."

If you live with a blonde do NOT leave a laptop in the bathroom.

Tips for your morning stretch

Awesome!

I never thought of that.

Interesting take.

A Message from John Cleese - British comedian:

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the “USA” and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except “Kansas”, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for “America” without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the “Oxford” English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

-------------------

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

----------------------

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

8. The Former “USA” will adopt “UK” prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of “British Commonwealth” - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

11. “Hollywood” will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. “Hollywood” will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try “Rugby” - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

---------------------

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of “America”. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.

Merci beaucoup

Say no more.

A Message from John Cleese - British comedian:

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the “USA” and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except “Kansas”, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for “America” without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the “Oxford” English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

-------------------

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

----------------------

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

8. The Former “USA” will adopt “UK” prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of “British Commonwealth” - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

11. “Hollywood” will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. “Hollywood” will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try “Rugby” - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

---------------------

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of “America”. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.

Ahh, of course.

Daughter : My friends and I want to go out tonight.

Mother : Where are ya'll going ?

Daughter: To the Roosters Honky Tonk bar on the edge of town.

Mother : I'm don' t think you should. There's been a lot of trouble at that place. I heard there
was a fight there last weekend, and several people got hurt.

Daughter : But mom!! Please!! It'll be okay.

Mother: No!! Your life is more important than going out!

Daughter : But "Tina" is going with us...

Mother: Oh Well! In that case, it should be okay.. Ya'll have fun!
....

....

...

I missed 4

Guess the spot.

Must be Italian day.

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriageseminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who wasapproaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and sharesome insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman allthese years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried totreat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is that I took-aher to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to allthe husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife foryour 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied , "I'm a-gonna go and get her."

The loan

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loanofficer.He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for twoweeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of securityfor the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loanofficer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.Later, the banks president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh atthe Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the banks undergroundgarage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interestof $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had yourbusiness, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are alittle puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found thatyou are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother toborrow $5,000?'

The Italian replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park mycar for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when Ireturn?'

Sooo romantic...

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his handover her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. " Why are you stopping"? she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote".

Stress disorder

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today ...

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old
to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of
us(like me) who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks, I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything
I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money.

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

Skateboarder

Proof that sports drinks really work.

Freezing your...

Your Gasoline Dollars at Work

Dubai. Check it out.

Mexico Bows Out of Summer Olympics

Mexico President Felipe Calderon announced today Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.

He stated, "Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pais."

Translation: "Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."