The new Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the Hell alone!

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the best time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, just miss a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

11. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back into your pocket.

12. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

13. Duct tape is like "The Force" in Star Wars -- it has a light side, a dark side and holds the universe together.

14. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. AND FINALLY .

15. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night