Florida for Idiots

When giving directions in Florida, you should always start with the words, “take I-75 . . .”

If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6am and 10am and 4pm and 7pm. This is considered to be rush hour and you're not in any rush. No exceptions.

Freeways can only go north and south. Not east and west..

Tolls are a fact of life down here, the state has to make money so now, deal with it!

I-275 will always be under construction...that's the law; there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!

A1A and ALT A1A are the same streets.

Traffic lights aren't timed and never will be.

We measure the distance you travel in time, not miles.

If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange 'Bob's Barricade', you're lost!

If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, its perfectly acceptable to back up.

Every street in Florida has both a name and a number (i.e. Adamo = 60th) just for the hell of it and for the pleasure we get from the reaction of visitors when we give them directions.

Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection. Eight more go through on yellow, and 4 on red.

Know the difference between Sun Pass, Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel, and Sun Trust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.

Your blinker means nothing.

English is our first and second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.

It is totally acceptable to be living in Florida but not root for The Dolphins, The Marlins, The Heat or The Panthers but not rooting for The Bucs or The Rays, is an arrest-able offense.

We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, beer, and potato chips.

You know how to spell Okeechobee.

There is an Okeechobee Blvd, Street, Avenue, Town, Lake and County.

A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They have made friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.

You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that everyone else moved here.

There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on almost every corner - with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach, always look for an Adams apple.

It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations.

Jupiter is a city, not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays. Not weeknights or weekends - that's for the working folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also one called a football team.

You can't say; 'this is how we did it up north'. If you think that way, then go back.

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside but inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.

There are three things you will need to survive a Florida winter: A long sleeved T-shirt, sunscreen and the ablity to mock all those extremely pale'visitors' with the bright pink 'florida tans'

The same neighbor who smiles at you every day will be the first one to rat you out if you are violating water restrictions.