Letter to dog and cat

Post VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. Theother dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of fooddoes not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I findthat aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't helpbecause I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorryabout this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensureyour comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when theysleep. It is not necessary to sleep per pendicular to each otherstretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that stickingtails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end tomaximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If bysome miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is notnecessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your pawunder the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through thesame door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat'sbutt. I cannot stress this enough!