Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Feed it

An old Cherokee told his grandson "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all.  One is Evil.  It is anger, jealousy, greed,resentment, inferiority, lies & ego. 

The other it is good.  It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy & truth."

The boy thought about it & asked, "Which wolf wins?" 

The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."

Blah blah blah

Social network tip

Due to the large number of jobs moving from California to Texas,
the Lone Star State has compiled a “Californian to Texan” translation guide.

CALIFORNIA                          TEXAS

Arsenal of Weapons                  Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands                     Swamp

Undocumented Worker             Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials              Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery                   Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed                          Well-protected

Narrow-minded                         Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share          Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control      Gun Confiscation
                                                         plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives     Fireworks for
                                                       Stump Removal

Nonviable Tissue Mass               Unborn Baby

Equal Access to Opportunity       Socialism

Multicultural Community             High Crime Area

Coughdrop mandate

In the news: Catholic health care.

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.  The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.  A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.  She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."