The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

Pub fishing

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish Pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

Fishing replied the old man.

Poor old bugger thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, and how many have you caught today?

You’re the eighth.

Historical perspective on VW software crime

How people ignored each other before smart phones.

Where you live matters

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit.

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, W.Va., Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Missouri, Wisconsin, Tennessee, Kentucky, Florida and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas; he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

Truck driver debate

A loud-mouth German lorry driver in a Newcastle pub is loudly denigrating British truck drivers for being lazy and incompetent. Whereas he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and is back in Hamburg in just two days.

This old Geordie looks up from his pint and mutters, "Ah, wye ay man, I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop it off in Hamburg and be back in time for a fish and chips supper the same day."

The gobby German trucker asked, " Oh yah, vot rig ver you driving zen?"

After taking a long swig of his pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied, “Lancaster Bomber mate.

Explanation of the crisis in Greece

A small town in Italy is twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town.
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there?
The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

Soon after, the Italian visited the Greek town.
He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied; "No."