UP

This two-letter word  in English has more meanings than any other  two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'  It is listed in  the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n]  or [v].        

 It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?        

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a  report?  We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix  UP the old  car.        
         
At other times, this little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.        

And this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!        

To be knowledgeable  about the proper uses of  UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.   In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost  1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty  definitions.        
           
If you are  UP to it,  you might try building Up list of the many ways UP is  used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but  if you don't give UP, you may wind  UP with a hundred or  more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun  comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.  When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!       
 
Oh . . . one more thing:  What is the first thing you do in  the morning and the last thing you do at  night?        

 U P  !        

 Did that one crack you UP?        

Don't screw UP.  Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book .  . . or not . . . it's UP to you.       

Now I'll shut UP!

 

1917

The year is 1917 "One hundred years ago."
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1917:
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.
A dentist $2,500 per year.
A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.
And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at home
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

 

Most women only washed their hair once a month,
And, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
The Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars ...
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was neither a Mother's Day nor a Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
And, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates 

the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!" (Shocking?)

 

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help...
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !
I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.
From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD all in a matter of seconds!

It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

Mental exercise

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinski
2. Bill Clinton
3. Hillary Clinton
4. Adolph Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5?

You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope . . .

Lovely, just lovely!

It's almost football season

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football"
- John Heisman

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
– Bear Bryant/Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!”
- Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any."
– Erik Russell/Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
- Lou Holtz/Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts." 
- Joe Namath/Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." 
- Frank Leahy/Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
- Woody Hayes/Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.”
- Bob Devaney/Nebraska

"In Alabama,an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.”
- Wally Butts/Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
– Alex Karras/Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.”
- Bowden Wyatt/Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."
- Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
- Shug Jordan/Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me." He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."
- Walt Garrison/Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
- Bobby Bowden/Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport."
- Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them."
- John McKay/USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”
- Murray Warmath/Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
- Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
- Darrell Royal/Texas

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.”
- John McKay/USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.”
- Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Florida State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."The other looked up in the sky and said,"Where?"

What do you say to a University of Georgia football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."

If three Arkansas football players are in the same car, who is driving? 
The police officer.

How can you tell if an Old Miss football player has a girlfriend? There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Mississippi State cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kentucky football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former Miami football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

1956 Chevy

The proud owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet convertible, wrote to say he had restored the car to perfection over the last few years, and sent this......
 
On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town.  It needed gas, as the gauge was practically on empty, but he wanted ice cream, so he headed first to his favorite ice cream shop.
 
He had trouble finding a parking space and had to park the car down a side street.   He noticed a group of young guys standing around smoking cigarettes and eyeing my car rather covetously.  He was a bit uneasy leaving it there, but people often take interest in such an old and well-preserved car, so he went off to enjoy his ice cream.

The line at the ice cream shop was long and it took him quite a while to return to his car.  When he did, his worst fears were realized… his car was gone.

He called the police and reported the theft and then went back and bought a quart of pistachio ice cream.  About ten minutes later the police called him to say they had found the car abandoned near a gas station a few miles out of town.

It was unharmed and he was relieved.  It seems just before he called, the police had received a call from a young woman who was an employee at a self-service gas station.  She told them that three young men had driven in with this beautiful old convertible.  One of them came to the window and prepaid for 20 dollars-worth of gas.

Then all three of them walked around the car, looking at it carefully, and then just walked away…….without filling the tank.

The question is, why would anybody steal a car, pay for gas that they never pumped, and then abandon the car later and walk away?

 
Answer: They couldn't find where to put the gas!

 

Cool

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Breakfast in bed

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need ... not all this, "How did you get into my house?" business.

Therapy

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Robe distance

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

Another classic

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow.”

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"

Mick says, "Well I couldn't walk for about a year.”

The Scotsman and the Englishman

 An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. 

Come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.

Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'"

The Scotsman is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 o’clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very
full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The Englishman just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the Scotsman adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

New border crisis

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign has prompted an exodus of left leaning US Citizens who fear they'll be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.

 

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and green energy proponents crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold and hungry, and asked if I could spare a latte and a free-range chicken. When I said I had neither, he left before I could show him my screenplay, eh?"

 

To stop the illegals, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers blaring Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who pack liberals into electric cars, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves when the batteries die.

 

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."

 

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

 

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing. Some disguise themselves as senior citizens taking bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed seniors about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on Lawrence Welk, we become very suspicious," an official said.

 

Canadians have complained that the illegals are creating shortages of organic broccoli, Barbara Streisand CD's and Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't handle them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history or political science majors can one country support?"

Yorkshire logic

The couple had been happily married and living on their farm for more than fifty years when, sadly, Gladys passed away. When informed of the cost of an obituary the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?”  He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple" he explained. “My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wun't ‘ave wanted owt swanky."

“Perhaps a small poem?” suggested the woman at the desk.

"Nay, lass" he said. "She wun't ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da.  Just put:- ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died'.”

"You need to say when she died," he was told by the receptionist

"Do I?  Well, then put 'Died 17th December 2015'.  That’ll do."

"It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed, sir."

The man considered for a moment.  "Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’  That’ll do," he said.

"You can have another four words" the woman explained.

"No, no lass!" he cried. "She wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out like that."

“The words are included in the price. You've already paid for them," the woman informed him.

"Are they?  I’ve already paid for ‘em?"

"Yes, sir, indeed you have."

"Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em," exclaimed the man, "I’m ‘avin’ ‘em then!"

The obituary was duly printed. "Gladys Braithwaite. Died 17th December 2015. Sadly missed. Also, tractor for sale."

Difficult and impossible words.

WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Indubitably

 

WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

 

WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. I’m not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

 

Dinner party chatter

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.


All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.


The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.


I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.


Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"


Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.


The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

Christmas shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

 The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

 Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the bar next to that."

Low man on the totem pole

All of the nine senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the sole junior member, was left sitting outside.


Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around the board table. He was invited to join them, which of course he did.


As soon as he sat down, the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eyes, and with a stern voice, asked, Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?


Oh, no sir!, positively not! Bob replied. Are you absolutely sure? asked the chairman.


Honest, I have never even been close enough to touch her! You swear to that?


Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime or anywhere.


"Good, then you fire her!"

Fee transparency

A man goes to a lawyer and asks, " What do you charge?"

The lawyer replies, "One hundred dollars for three questions."

The man says, "Isn't that kind of steep?"

The lawyer says, "Yes it is." "What is your third question?"

Irish Capacity for Drink

Several weeks ago, I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland, when a group of American tourists came in. One of the men said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who had left earlier, returned and yelled, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "So pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?' 
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

Good dead of the day

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.


And she was upset. 


'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!


I'm leaving you.


I want a divorce right away!' 


And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'


'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' 


And the husband began...


'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.


I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.


So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.


Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.


Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.


I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.


I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'


The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"