TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR SOUTHERN BOYS SAY:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh I wouldn’t dare; she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.
26. We don't keep no guns in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a sh** who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too damn big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima iced down for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate!
6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite football team.
3. Youse Guys.
2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Hillary Campaign.

So... Not "a cunning plan Captain Blackadder"..!!!

Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"

Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes Sir"

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?".

Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".

Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"


Blackadder : "It was bollocks".

Irony

Domestic disturbance

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant . 
            
"Hello, Sarge" 
 
"Yes?" 
 
"It looks like we have a homicide here. 
 
"What happened? " 

"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor
she had just mopped." 

"Have you placed her under arrest? " 

  "No sir. The floor is still wet. "                                 

The wife's birthday

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. 

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .. 

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to “Adventure World” theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake. 

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favorite lollies, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. 

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 

'I meant my dress size, you @*#*! moron!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

The ex-wife

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“