Therapy

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Robe distance

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

Another classic

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow.”

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"

Mick says, "Well I couldn't walk for about a year.”

The Scotsman and the Englishman

 An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. 

Come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.

Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'"

The Scotsman is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 o’clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very
full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The Englishman just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the Scotsman adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

New border crisis

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign has prompted an exodus of left leaning US Citizens who fear they'll be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.

 

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and green energy proponents crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold and hungry, and asked if I could spare a latte and a free-range chicken. When I said I had neither, he left before I could show him my screenplay, eh?"

 

To stop the illegals, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers blaring Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who pack liberals into electric cars, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves when the batteries die.

 

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."

 

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

 

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing. Some disguise themselves as senior citizens taking bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed seniors about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on Lawrence Welk, we become very suspicious," an official said.

 

Canadians have complained that the illegals are creating shortages of organic broccoli, Barbara Streisand CD's and Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't handle them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history or political science majors can one country support?"

Yorkshire logic

The couple had been happily married and living on their farm for more than fifty years when, sadly, Gladys passed away. When informed of the cost of an obituary the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?”  He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple" he explained. “My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wun't ‘ave wanted owt swanky."

“Perhaps a small poem?” suggested the woman at the desk.

"Nay, lass" he said. "She wun't ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da.  Just put:- ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died'.”

"You need to say when she died," he was told by the receptionist

"Do I?  Well, then put 'Died 17th December 2015'.  That’ll do."

"It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed, sir."

The man considered for a moment.  "Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’  That’ll do," he said.

"You can have another four words" the woman explained.

"No, no lass!" he cried. "She wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out like that."

“The words are included in the price. You've already paid for them," the woman informed him.

"Are they?  I’ve already paid for ‘em?"

"Yes, sir, indeed you have."

"Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em," exclaimed the man, "I’m ‘avin’ ‘em then!"

The obituary was duly printed. "Gladys Braithwaite. Died 17th December 2015. Sadly missed. Also, tractor for sale."

Difficult and impossible words.

WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Indubitably

 

WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

 

WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. I’m not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.