Video Will

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:


"My son Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."


"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."


"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."


The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the jerk had a paper route!"

The optomist

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how  horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. 

 On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did
you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"


"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." 


"How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it
have been worse?"


"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d
be dead now!"

Truisms

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.


2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.


3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.


4. Breaking News... Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.


5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

Karma

First Drink With My Son...

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, when memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn't like it, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Molson, Labatt, Coors and Premium Dry Cider.

By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the stroller back home!

Knock on the door

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.  I opened it to find a young,
well-dressed man standing there who said, "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."


"Hello," I said, "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, nobody ever let me in before."

French wedding

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.


The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.


Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol test (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.


The Englishman answers with humor: "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side !!