Tonsils vs. Circumcision

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.  Theirs will be first on the schedule.  The older boy leans over and asks,  "What are you having done?"  The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision."  "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.

"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

Politically incorrect team names

I agree with our Native American population . I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay.   We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

 

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.   If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

 

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive . Gone.   It's offensive to us white folk.

 

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population .   Do you see a team named for the Confederacy?  No!  There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

 

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names.   Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

 

 Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged .   We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

 

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children .  The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits .   Wrong message to our children .

 

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic .   Wrong message to our children .

 

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates . Wrong message to our children.

 

The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying . . . Wrong message to our children.

 

So, there you go.  We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress loves . . .

 

With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers."

Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife.
 
Inspector :   What is her height?

Husband:     I never checked.

Inspector :   Slim or chubby?

Husband:     Not slim, can be chubby.

Inspector :    Color of eyes?

Husband :    Never noticed.

Inspector :   Color of hair?

Husband :    Changes according to season.

Inspector :    What was she wearing?

Husband :   Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector :   Was she driving?

Husband :   Yes.

Inspector :    Tell me the number, name, and color of the car. . . . .

Husband :  Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And, it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….........

And, then the husband started crying...

Inspector: Don't worry sir we will find your car!

 

Police Officer Test

 How to tell the difference between an English Police Officer, Canadian Police Officer, American Police Officer and Scottish Police Officer?

QUESTION:
You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are expert in using it, however you only have a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:
British Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, can he sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and loss of my family home?

Canadian Police Officer:
BANG!

American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie.
Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"

SO, THIS IS HOW WOMEN COUNT Best Ball

Husband and Wife play "Best Ball"

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot Tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will Be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".

To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

Streaking golfer

One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.  


As he passes by the first woman, she looks him up & down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.   


As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.  


He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Wait a minute,” she says.  “He’s not even a member of this club”.

An old guy at Hooters.

During a long day of looking around a car show , me, and a couple of my friends , stopped in at 'Hooter's' for some Hot Wings and a few beers.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them " The one who knows how to fix elevators."


I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.