2013 Thanksgiving Classic

THINGS YOU CAN SAY ONLY AT THANKSGIVING:

 

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

The old cowboy

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Speed checked by Radar

The Blood Donor

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.

 

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & 10,000 US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

Minnesota winters

Government surveyors came to Ole's Minnesota farm last spring and asked if they could do some surveying.  Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noontime.

After their work was done, the surveyors told Ole, “You were so kind to us; we wanted to give you the bad news in person, instead of by letter.”

“What's the bad news?” asked Ole.

“Well, your farm is right on the state line,” the surveyors said, “and after our work was completed, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota.  It's actually in Iowa.”

“That's the best news I've had in a long time,” said Ole.  “I was just telling Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota!”

Roland gets married

Roland decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs for his Saturday game.

His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing so much golf. 

Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club."

Roland gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" 

"I wasn't. "

Quotes on wives

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher?
Socrates

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.  A little candlelight,  dinner,  soft music and dancing.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking?  It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives?
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming?
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it?
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
 
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash
You know what I did before I married?  Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
        
My wife and I were happy for twenty years?  Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.  Next day he received a hundred letters? They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'  

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'?
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous