Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Teacher arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Exercise block

The easy way to get your exercise.

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Understanding women.

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Sports Quotations

I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch on Tuesday, everything will be perfect.
Doug Sanders, professional golfer

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer."
Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher

Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.
Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.
E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.
Vic Braden, tennis instructor

Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.
Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did – but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.
Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery

I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.
Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.
John Breen, Houston Oilers

The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.
Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.
Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.
Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.
Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner

Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.
Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach

I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.
Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game.

I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”
Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

I learned a long time ago that “minor surgery” is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.
Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.
George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores

Credible information

The Pentagon just released a photo of the Pakistani man who gave the CIA credible information that led them to Osama bin Laden.

He is eligible to get the $25M reward the US Gov’t was offering.

It's a valid question.