Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Priorities
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbeancruiseand proceeds to have the time of his life - until he fell overboard.
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no otherpeople, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when themost gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landedhere when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash upwith you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materialfound on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; wove the bottom from palmbranches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools orhardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island,there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is astone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines'strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckonsfor him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!
"You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch the Steeler game from here?"
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no otherpeople, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when themost gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landedhere when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash upwith you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materialfound on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; wove the bottom from palmbranches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools orhardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island,there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is astone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines'strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckonsfor him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!
"You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch the Steeler game from here?"
Monday, January 26, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Praise the Lord
The Pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
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