Next

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand-motherly types used to Come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Bullwinkle assassination

You know you're a Floridian if :

Socks are only for bowling.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.

You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

You dread love bug season.

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't HurricaneCharley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley , Frances , Ivan&n bsp;and Jeanne.

You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave..

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

'Down South' means Key West ..

Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee and Micanopy.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.

You recognize Miami-Dade as 'Northern Cuba .'

I'm sensing a theme here

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No!" she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes!" she replied .

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

Sad but true

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, dad?"To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March..............."

New dollar bill

Given what's happening with the economy these days, the Treasury Department has issued a new dollar bill . . .

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