Cool

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Breakfast in bed

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need ... not all this, "How did you get into my house?" business.

Therapy

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Robe distance

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

Another classic

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow.”

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"

Mick says, "Well I couldn't walk for about a year.”

The Scotsman and the Englishman

 An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. 

Come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.

Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'"

The Scotsman is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 o’clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very
full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The Englishman just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the Scotsman adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

New border crisis

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign has prompted an exodus of left leaning US Citizens who fear they'll be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.

 

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and green energy proponents crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold and hungry, and asked if I could spare a latte and a free-range chicken. When I said I had neither, he left before I could show him my screenplay, eh?"

 

To stop the illegals, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers blaring Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who pack liberals into electric cars, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves when the batteries die.

 

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."

 

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

 

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing. Some disguise themselves as senior citizens taking bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed seniors about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on Lawrence Welk, we become very suspicious," an official said.

 

Canadians have complained that the illegals are creating shortages of organic broccoli, Barbara Streisand CD's and Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't handle them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history or political science majors can one country support?"