The wife's birthday

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. 

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .. 

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to “Adventure World” theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake. 

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favorite lollies, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. 

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 

'I meant my dress size, you @*#*! moron!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

The ex-wife

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman:  How much do you pay per beer?

Man:  $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:  So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:  Correct

Woman:  If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:  Correct

Woman:  Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Mercedes?

Man:  Do you drink beer?

Woman:  No

Man:  Where's your Mercedes?

Mayberry

Why was Mayberry so peaceful? Because hardly anyone was married!


Here are the single people: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, and Clara.


In fact, the only one who was married was Otis and he stayed drunk.


Is there a lesson here?

Whiskey

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):

"If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it."

Having a bad day?

Not racist

I was standing at a bar in Terminal 3 of an international airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. 

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?

He says "No, why the f--- you ask me that? Is it because I Chinese?"

"No", I said, ”It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!"