Healthy sleep tip

Treat yourself to a healthy imported wine

A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE TURNING IN

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors , I kid you not.....

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,
Have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as:

PINO MORE

New stores

A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third-floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Homeland

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb  some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oh, my," said the  father, What have I done?"

He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.

Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
                                         
Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do.
                                            

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. 
                                         

The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....​

The cabby witness

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back,
and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Baseball season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

Blame ourselves

The Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'  Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Just a wee bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided that he had a responsibility to marry a perfect woman so that they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With this as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous-looking daughters who positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you’ve come to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ....... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell ......... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry!!"

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified; the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you could imagine!

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well", explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ............. pregnant when you met her."