SO, THIS IS HOW WOMEN COUNT Best Ball

Husband and Wife play "Best Ball"

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot Tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will Be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".

To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

Streaking golfer

One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.  


As he passes by the first woman, she looks him up & down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.   


As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.  


He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Wait a minute,” she says.  “He’s not even a member of this club”.

An old guy at Hooters.

During a long day of looking around a car show , me, and a couple of my friends , stopped in at 'Hooter's' for some Hot Wings and a few beers.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them " The one who knows how to fix elevators."


I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

Happy St. Patty's Day

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.


The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.


Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.


Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"


About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.


"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

It's insensitive and offensive.

I agree with our Native American population.  I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.  One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay.  We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

 

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.

 

If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

 

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive.  Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

 

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population.  Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No!  There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives.

 

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names.  Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

 

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

 

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children.  The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits.  Wrong message to our children.

 

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic.  Wrong message to our children.

 

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates.  Wrong message to our children.

 

The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying . . . Wrong  message to our children.

 

So, there you go.  We need to support any legislation that comes out to

rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved

with this issue, as they should.  Just the kind of thing the do-nothing

congress loves . . .

 

With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers.”

 

Pro tip: Wrap you garbage like this and leave it next to the dumpster.

Bourd's Oscar Picks 2014

My picks:

Best actor:   Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club

Best actress:  Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine

Best supporting actor:  Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club

Best supporting actress:  Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Slave

Best director:  Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity

Best picture:  12 Years a Slave

My sleepers: 

Best actor:   Leonardo DiCaprio for the Wolf of Wall Street

Best actress:  Judi Dench for Phlomena

Best supporting actor:  Barkhad Abdi for Capt. Phillips

Best supporting actress:  June Squibb for Nebraska

Best director:  David O. Russell for American Hustle

Best picture:  Gravity