Dorothy Parker on martinis

'I love to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table.
After four I'm under my host!'

SAFE AT HOME

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front yard, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, FBI, CIA and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer...

Fishing

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Air Force Base.  A ragged old Army Aviator was standing near the edge with a fishing rod … his line in the puddle.

A curious young Air Force fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old guy simply said.

'Poor old fool,' the Air Force officer thought and he invited the ragged old aviator into the pub for a drink. 

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the haughty fighter pilot asked, "And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth,' the old Army Aviator answered.

Complete and Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words...

Complete and Finish

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was:..

How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer....

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,

....and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are....

COMPLETELY FINISHED!"