Minnesota winters

Government surveyors came to Ole's Minnesota farm last spring and asked if they could do some surveying.  Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noontime.

After their work was done, the surveyors told Ole, “You were so kind to us; we wanted to give you the bad news in person, instead of by letter.”

“What's the bad news?” asked Ole.

“Well, your farm is right on the state line,” the surveyors said, “and after our work was completed, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota.  It's actually in Iowa.”

“That's the best news I've had in a long time,” said Ole.  “I was just telling Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota!”

Roland gets married

Roland decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs for his Saturday game.

His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing so much golf. 

Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club."

Roland gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" 

"I wasn't. "

Quotes on wives

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher?
Socrates

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.  A little candlelight,  dinner,  soft music and dancing.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking?  It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives?
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming?
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it?
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
 
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash
You know what I did before I married?  Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
        
My wife and I were happy for twenty years?  Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.  Next day he received a hundred letters? They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'  

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'?
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous